[tomuse.com]  Could TechCrunch and Michael Arrington be searching for "dream team" blogging deal in light of Valleywag's surging traffic and fear of being dethroned?

So here, in no particular order, are the commenters who will no longer appear on Valleywag (until they get invited again).

• Neuro: I like your thinking, not your grammar. You're fired.
• Anonymous, it's against Valleywag policy to purely enjoy the comments of others. Positivity will not be tolerated.
• Funmeister: Your logic does not compute.
• Gawker artist Travis Hammond: Fired for that silly iPod art. Also, no one really says "ubik." If I see your art on Valleywag again, I'm calling security.
• Michael Schurter, I don't get you. Fired.

Frankly, Valleywag commenters are good. I'm just trying to find and kill the boss's pseudonymous comment accounts.

*Not to fly. To fall and snap their necks.

Georgevalidates that men are oftentimes clueless to the ways of feminine hygiene. Re: Google Exec Marissa Mayer's Newsweek spread:

Why is she wearing so much makeup? She's naturally pretty, she's doesn't need to have some prissy hairstyle and three layers of makeup.

David Quiec comments on Weird Al's new "White and Nerdy" video:

Is it me, or is Weird Al skinnier?

ResearchZilla reacts to the news that Auren Hoffman used his guest gig for Venture Beat as an opportunity to rip Evite a new one while plugging the startup he invested in. RZ, you can go ahead and start one for us:

Btw, when are YOU gonna start a valleywag social network? Get on the bandwagon man..you could be making so much more money offa your readers.

Dead nerdy geeks were vain too, at least according to Pb:

Newton? Yeah buddy, that's his own hair. Neal Stephenson's The System of the World devotes many a passage to Sir Isaac's lush locks, even in his gray years.

BarelyFitz shows no
Google love:

Now that [Google rival] Baidu is bringing the tremendous benefits of universal information access to China, perhaps Google should leave the country and stop being evil.

and Re: VP Marissa Mayer:

Is she voiced by Mel Blanc? (with that laugh it's a definite possibility)

And finally, Mjlambie confirms the Nick Douglas/TechCrunch editor Mike Arrington lovefest:

Looks like MA gave you a little shoutout in his post. you guys are really starting to bond? Tahoe fishing trip weekend anytime soon?

So do I. And talented Valleywag intern Beth Gottfried is all the way up in Boston. That's why Valleywag needs an Official Party And Other Type of Technology-Related Event Person to write the blog's to-do posts. To start, we'll want about three to-do posts a week (with the writer's name attached), each post including three to six events that Valleywag readers would be into.

To apply, e-mail me (subject line "Can I do the to-do?" with a story of a bad event you attended, or the names of three good events Valleywag readers should attend in the next four weeks. Feel free to link to your blog.

And no, Michael Arrington of the blog TechCrunch wouldn't do this either. He knows there's no money in gossip.

But we did get the username and password to post entries, thanks to a forwarded e-mail that Crunch Wag sent to several Valleyfolk. Click through if you really feel like blogging there.

From: CrunchWag < crunchwag@crunchwag.com>
Date: Sep 12, 2006 1:14 PM
Subject: You have been invited to be a Charter Editor of CrunchWag, the official chronicle of Silicon Valley 2.0
To: crunchwag@crunchwag.com

Congratulations!

You have been invited to be a Charter Editor of CrunchWag, "the official chronicle of Silicon Valley 2.0."

CrunchWag can be seen at:

www.crunchwag.com

To log in and add ANY post you want, about any subject:

https://crunchwag.wordpress.com/wp-login.php
username: crunchwageditor
password: pastel

Have fun!
CrunchWag

From now on, even if we never invited you, you can post a comment on Valleywag. Just pick a name and password and make sure your first comment is witty, useful, or fascinating. Then, if we love you, we'll publish it (just like a real commenter!) and we'll let you into the club, no pledge of fealty needed.

Of course, if you get boring or boorish, we'll kick you back out.

Commenters new and old get shiny avatars and profile pages. (Think Facebook without the sororiwhores.) Upload your pretty face or your favorite desecrated corporate logo. Now, my user-generated minions, comment! Comment like the wind!

When the little dot-coms blow up, says marketing/PR blogger Steve Rubel, the sites funded by their advertising will go under too. Rubel names social news site Digg as one potential victim. How does it stack up against other Web-2.0-supported sites? Above the fold, we analyze Digg and tech blog GigaOM. Below, GigaOM competitor TechCrunch sets off a red alert.

Digg: Low risk

• Top banner ad: A boring invention licensing company ad, served up by Google ads. It may be stupid, but it's not under the threat of a little dot-com crash.
• Side ads: Contextual Google ads related to specific stories. Yawn.
• Bottom: In-house ad for Digg merch. Safe as houses.

GigaOM: Moderate risk

• Sponsor #1: oDesk. Motto: "So 2.0 it hurts." Can you say "high risk"? I knew you could.
• Sponsor #2: A promotion for GigaOM through partner Bix, a Web 2.0 contest-creation site. Oh yeah, this one's doomed. High risk.
• Inter-entry ad #1: JotSpot, a wiki company that came on the radar this January and just may last through a crash. Risk: Moderate.
• Banner #1: Google ads. As always, no risk there.
• Banner #2: Business.com sponsored links, mostly for Voice over IP. Minor risk if eBay kills Skype or Vonage finally crashes.
• Inter-entry ad #2: More damn Google ads.

TechCrunch: High risk

• Sponsor #1: Text Link Ads, which would survive a Web 2.0 crash with minor damages.
• Sponsor #2: LogoJeez, a prime service for startups building a brand. Major bubble risk.
• Sponsor #3: Logoworks. Same thing.
• Sponsor #4: Flock, a "Web 2.0 browser" and one of the most-mocked startups, though it actually has a business plan. Moderate bubble risk.
• Sponsor #5: Adobe Flex, a platform for "rich Internet applications." Read: "We want startups as customers." Major bubble risk.
• Sponsor #6: Edgeio, the distributed classifieds site. Major bubble risk, even if loyalty to Edgeio co-founder and TechCrunch owner Michael Arrington keeps it loyal to the bitter end.
• Side banner #1: Adobe Flex again. Major risk again.
• Side banner #2: Google headhunting ad. No risk at all — Google's way outside the, um, bubblesphere.

Valleywag: Doomed

• Since no one directly advertises with Valleywag now, why would they later?

The Web 2.0 Economic Conundrum [Steve Rubel]
Photo by Jeff Kubina [Flickr]

Techcrunchers vs. Valleywagers [Monkey Notions]

What happened to the nice Mike Arrington? We don't pretend to know, but now that the formerly friendly TechCrunch blogger has transformed into Fighting Mike, here's a round-up of his feuds and feuds-to-come.

Carr Wars: Mike insists that he doesn't avoid tech author Nick Carr because Carr called TechCrunch a whorehouse. Instead, it's Nick's bullying of others that gets Mike on edge.

Gillmor Gangbuster: A frequent guest on friend Steve Gillmor's "Gillmor Gang" podcast, Mike resigned during the last episode, claiming Carr's bully attitude drove him off. A week later, Mike says he's coming back. Steve says he's glad to have Mike back, even if that means the Gillmor Gang will turn into a trash-talking session instead of the comfortably boring tech talk it used to be.

No Valleywag at my party: After a certain gossip blog posted an e-mail from Mike, he banned that gossiper from his upcoming 500-person party. Now Mike's posted some of our mail in return, sending the hint that we'll have to pick up our beer and cake elsewhere.

You can't go Om again: Tech blogger Om Malik has more chops and a bolder attitude toward scoops than Mike. But he hasn't gained as much momentum, thanks to fewer and shorter blog posts. Now that Om has funding and a team of writers, will he stay friends with Mike, or will competition drive the two pundits apart?

Netscape scrape: Netscape's offer to hire away top users from other social news sites raises a red flag, says Mike. He thinks Netscape head Jason Calacanis is spinning a desperate move as an innovation in user economics. Jason counters, saying he'd planned to pay defectors from day one. So far, Mike let him have the last word.

Troll hunt: Like any blogger of stature, Mike's fighting an army of trolls, many of them anonymous, who leave nasty comments on his posts. Overwhelmed with the criticism, Mike's decided to delete comments at will. Nothing wrong with that — it's his blog, isn't it? — but so far the effect is like whacking a beehive with a baseball bat. Now the trolls are sending their deleted comments to anyone who will listen.

Honorable mentions
Ripping into Jigsaw
9rules don't play by my rules
I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed

The job consists of:

• Writing an occasional brief post. Intern must be witty and a quick writer.
• Handling some correspondence with readers. Giving people comment invites and such.
• Writing on assignment. This part will pay money if you're good. Possible stories include celeb-spotting — reporting which venture capitalists are eating at Buck's, for example — and party/event reports.
• There's no Valleywag office to report to, unless you count Starbucks.

To apply, e-mail nick@valleywag.com with the subject "Intern". Include a brief relevant bio, and link to any blog or clippings you have so I can check out your style.

Update: And we're back. Looks like we can blame one or two ISPs (hint: rhymes with "Bomcast"). (You can still fill out the reader survey, by the way.)

Meanwhile, check out the last two posts from yesterday; they're real keepers.

Some poor schmuck has been fired for a harmless little article I wrote a few days ago about the Google product cycle. He's started his own website, entitled Valleyhag, but fails to give many details except that the apparent final straw was indulging too heartily in a remark about Jeremy Zawodny.

I know what it's like to be fired. I remember working as a speechwriter for Soviet leader Gorbachev in the 80s and making an offhand remark about the more important Red Square on his forehead. Now I thought it was hilarious but I haven't been back to St. Petersburg since. Another time, on the way to an interview with Ross Perot, I tried to get Babs Walters to take the wheel of our Lincoln Continental as I took another swig of Courvosier. After some chiding from her superiors, she got to keep her job at ABC. I, on the other hand, lost mine and had to spend a night spooning with a rather large man named Ramon in cell D.

To Silicon Valley, I say: give this poor sap a job. He evidently has the skills to operate free blog software, almost always uses the proper capitalization, and can even operate a digital camera. At the very least, he has great taste in humorous articles.

Valleyhag got me fired [Official site]
Earlier: Man fired for laughing at Valleywag

In all its glory, as promised ten minutes ago, the web site of the man fired for laughing at Valleywag.

Valleyhag got me fired [Official site]

Valleywag entry at Wikipedia: Created at 10:07 last night, marked for deletion at 10:19.

Valleywag [Wikipedia]

No joke, we're holding a Web Infinity Plus One Conference at the House of Shields a week from today! The top room's reserved and the sponsors are ponying up for the bar tab. The deets:

• Where: San Francisco bar House of Shields
• When: Thursday, 8 June, 9ish PM
• What: Live GETV interview by Irina Slutsky; impromptu drunk speeches; OPEN BAR
• Why: To make a paper trail so Valleywag can pull an O'Reilly.
• $100 Sponsors: Automattic; Mena Trott of Six Apart; STIRR Network; Gawker Media ($250)

Oh boy there's more! Watch Valleywag every day til then for updates on the Best Night This Side of the Singularity!

Web Infinity Plus One: The SloshCon [RSVP on Upcoming.org]
HoS photo: Web 1.0 Summit [Scott Beale on Flickr]

• T-shirts from Trulia (logo and slogan), Browster (large — bloody useless), and Limbo 41414 ("The price is low...bitch")
• $50 in wine tastings from Bite PR (did not affect judgment — Valleywag is run on beer)

What Valleywag needs (contact tips@valleywag.com):

• Someone at Amazon's HQ with a camera(phone)
• A VC-spotter sitting at Buck's
• To stop being called Nick Denton
• Photos of Steve Jobs' sneakers

With the posting of the millionth article about Buck's Restaurant (this time in the Seattle P.I.), the Silicon Valley pancake house is now officially in a new golden-brown age.

And the popular restaurant needs the ultimate sign of privilege: a bold-name-spotting map on par with Mediabistro's "Lunch at Michael's" feature. Yes, we need an alliteratively joyful "Breakfast at Buck's."

But Valleywag is currently, well, underrepresented in the town of Woodside, where the VCs flock from Sand Hill Road for Buck's pancakes. So Valleywag needs a weekly Buck's correspondent with a sharp eye for important people and a sharp tongue for telling who's meeting with whom. Be the reigning gossip of Woodside — e-mail tips@valleywag.com with the subject "Buck's reporter" to apply. (Link to your blog if you have one.) Because when Jurvetson orders the Spanish Omelet, you'd better pay attention.

Venture Capital: Silicon Valley's startups booming [Seattle P.I.]
Buck's of Woodside [Official site]

• "The Daily Show for Silicon Valley"
• "Gratuitous Valley Satire"
• "Gossip From the Digerati"
• "The Anti-TechCrunch"

May I also suggest:

• "The w isn't capitalized"
• "Still not invited to Google"
• "That 'without access, favor, or discretion' tagline on Deadspin? Us too"
• "Where asking readers for taglines counts as an article"

After the jump, BONUS SCHWAG DISCLOSURE.

• SF firm Mule Design Studio hasn't sent the t-shirt they promised. This will not affect editorial coverage of my friends at Ass Mule.
• Simply Hired sent two t-shirts. Valleywag will continue to adore their publicist, Kay Luo.
• LiveJournal and Second Life gave free tees at the Maker Faire, but they're, like, two sizes too big for me. Any large LJers want a tee?

But then:

Dear Nick,

Google Press Day is an event for invited guests only and invitations are non-transferable. Thank you for your interest in Google, however, we're unable to extend you an invitation.

Best,
The Google Press Day Team

Yes, the Google Press Day Team blew me off. By name. Where's the love, guys? I thought we had something special!

So, Googlers, press contacts, anyone with Real Power, fight for Valleywag's right to party. Can anyone — John Battelle, if you're reading this, help a guy out — get Google to send Valleywag a press pass? Fake journalists are journalists too!

Last year's Press Day [Google Press Center]

Eric Hadley, the Microsoft employee selling Microsoft conference passes, e-mailed me to say the auction was real, so I asked, "How official was your sale? When did PR get involved?" His response:

Very official. I run marketing here. I told Joanne Bradford, our global sales and marketing head - my boss, that I was doing it and she said make sure all the money goes to the AdCouncil.

PR got involved when someone from the press called and asked about it. Cuz that is how msft works. They didn't know about it before.

So yes, it's just another stunt, albeit an altruistic one with the proceeds (matched by Microsoft) going to a good cause. I regret the error, sincerely ask the forgiveness of the community, and hope that we can put this behind us and continue with the important work of Valleywag.

Speaking of which: Time's running out to nominate hot PR babes and hunks.

Big-time blogger: dude
you suck
URL
this is fucking bullshit
it's a shill, sent to you by a PR flack
that deserves some smackdown
here's a hint:
- note the domain of the person that sent that tip in. they work for MSN
- the ebay bidders are all zero or have negative feedback. They were probably made up for the fake auction
- I would bet dollars to doughnuts that someone at MS' PR agency thought this was a great way to get the word out in a viral way, by duping some bloggers into doing their work and promoting their stupid event.

He's right. But hey! I was indie and snarky about it! Surely my subversive antics undermine the, uh...metanarrative...of the hegemony...across the enterprise?

Earlier: Cocktails with Ballmer and Gates, $760 on eBay [Valleywag]

• Ricochet Public Relations, which publicized MAYA's back-to-the-90s "fill a room with balls" stunt
• Thunder Factory, who made two senior hires in July, lost them by April, and still have the hiring headline on their site.
• Thomas PR, which issued a release about gaining a client.
• The unnamed super-connected flack, whose account brings LinkedIn's servers to their knees.
• S&S PR, who has the client-history memory span of an Ecstasy-ridden goldfish.

And a new contestant enters the ring: BLASTmedia knew that GUI-rich web analytics were right up Valleywag's alley, so they followed up their press release for client VisiStat with a quick "Any interest in learning more about VisiStat?" five days later. To add some passive to my aggressive, the whole press release (oh boy! dynamically captured visitor habits!) is after the jump.

Hi Nick. Any interest in learning more about VisiStat?

From: Margie Schaffner
Sent: Wednesday, April 19, 2006 3:23 PM
To: 'tips@valleywag.com'
Subject: New Silicon Valley-based company provides a better way to count clicks

Hi Nick—

When Stephen Oachs realized the need for GUI-rich Web analytics that could be easily understood by the masses, he set out to revolutionize the Web analytics marketplace. Frustrated by the complicated process of how web analytics was performed, Stephen Oachs developed VisiStat, Inc., a San Jose-based Web analytics firm focused on next generation analytics solutions.

Visistat, Inc. is an easy-to-use and understand Web analytics service. Originally an in-house solution for Pixelmation Internet Technologies, VisiStat is a Real-time Website hit counter that dynamically captures visitor habits, search engine keyword usage, geographical location, click path, and much more. VisiStat uses StatCasting, which provides users with the ability to monitor their Web analytic information in actual "live time," without the need to reload or refresh the browser window for updates. StatCasted™ reports are updated instantaneously as statistical data arrives; enabling entire reports to be completely in motion as updates are made to the users screen in a "better than real time" format.

I'd love to put you in touch with the entrepreneurs behind VisiStat. Any interest in learning more about VisiStat, Inc.?

Best,
Margie Schaffner
BLASTmedia

• Sorry about the outage last hour. I was wrestling Steve Ballmer and we snapped a cord.
• Tipsters: If you want to be credited by name, let me know when you tip by e-mail. If you're aching for a self-inflicted firing, I won't stand in your way.
• Jason Calacanis: You were in San Francisco for a day and didn't call? The hurt runs deep, Jason. The hurt runs deep.
• Speaking of which, I could use a mole in AOL.
• Why hasn't anyone talked about Lloyd Braun (pictured, last seen looking quizzical) lately? In Hollywood (and he never really left Hollywood), the only thing worse than bad press is no press.

But, um, I have no idea how good it is. It's not available for normal phones, or for my T-Mobile Sidekick. But those of you with Blackberries can try it out and report back — or petition for a real mobile version of Valleywag. Wait, actually —

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Full press release after the jump.

Gossip Goes Mobile
Mobileplay Delivers Valleywag to the Small Screen

SAN FRANCISCO, CA. - April 18, 2006 — — Mobile content delivery pioneer Mobileplay today announced the addition of Valleywag to its growing list of Gawker Media mobile sites. With Mobileplay, Gawker fans enjoy easy access to pure, unfiltered gossip from five of Gawker Media's wildly popular blogs: Defamer, Gawker, Gizmodo, Wonkette and now Valleywag, from their handheld device.

From L.A. to D.C., Gawker Media sites have become compulsory reading for millions of people who enjoy keeping tabs on the activities of the boldfaced names in their industry. From pill popping habits of Hollywood heavyweights, to the petty peccadilloes of media titans, Gawker Media sites keep their readers in the loop. Valleywag gives readers the inside scoop on technology industry notables. Mobileplay's mobile application enables fans to enjoy Gawker Media no matter where they are. Gawker Media mobile users can also forward tantalizing tidbits to friends via their handheld device. The mobile application for all five Gawker Media sites is available at www.mobileplay.com.

"Gawker Media is pleased to make Valleywag content available to mobile device users," said Gaby Darbyshire, director of Gawker Media. "Gawker Media fans, and Valleywag readers in particular, are heavy users of the latest mobile devices and services so bringing our content onto the small screen was a key strategic decision for Gawker Media."

"Since 2002, Gawker Media blogs have set the standard in the bloggesphere," said James Ryan, Mobileplay founder and CEO. "By extending its brand and content to the small screen, Gawker Media continues to pioneer the new media frontier. With the addition of Valleywag to Mobileplay's service, Valley denizens can now download Valleywag content directly to their beloveld moblie devices for fast, easy access to the 411 on technorati sex, greed and hypocrisy, whether they're in bumper to bumper traffic on 101, lunching in South Park or sitting in a parking lot on Sand Hill Road."

Mobileplay is the first service of its kind bringing advertising-supported news, weather, stock updates, sports scores, blogs, games, trivia, movie and travel information to some 80 million smart mobile phone and PDA users. The company's highly-scalable content delivery platform creates an opportunity for content developers to quickly and cost-effectively generate advertising revenue while delivering content to an audience of sophisticated, tech savvy consumers.

About Mobileplay

Mobileplay is a free, ad-supported content delivery platform for smart mobile devices. Founded in 2005 and headquartered in San Francisco, CA, Mobileplay's turnkey mobile solution enables content developers to generate revenue from their news, reference, game and infotainment content. The proprietary solution includes targeted delivery, tracking and reporting. Mobileplay content partners include: USA TODAY, About.com, Astrology.com, AP Digital, BusinessWeek Online, CinemaSource, Fodors, Gawker Media, Nerve.com, Volvo, PC World, The Sporting News, Weather.com, Wired as well as game and application developers including Crimson Fire.

• You can't nab a two-, three-, or four-letter web domain. You can't register your first name. And everything sexy is taken. But if your company's named H43Qmxy, you're golden. [Domain name stats]
• Larry Ellison implied Oracle will start selling its own Linux version. Questionnaire: If you're excited about this news, what's your Slashdot user number? [Financial Times]
• Steve Jobs demands some reworking of the titanium on his giant $9 million cube in New York. And with that sentence, Steve's life becomes officially weirder than Star Trek. [ifo Apple Store]
• Thanks, L.A. Times, for taking a look at Valleywag. You're too kind. And to whoever cracked the "he's very young" joke by saying I look 16: we'll see who dies first. [L.A. Times]
• Schwag watch: Getting a T-shirt from Mule coming in. So the next time they get praised here, it's because of the free XS tees, not their own merit. [Mule Design]

• BusinessWeek profiled little old me. Note: The Compaq Evo is being replaced by a refurbed Powerbook with working speakers. Continue sending loud and obnoxious videos. [BusinessWeek]
• Podcaster Adam Curry was a real sport about the Bastard of the Blogs thing. (But he implies that he drinks Budweiser smokes pot. Official loss gain of cool points?) [Adam Curry]
• And Waggers keep writing the Valleyspeak phrasebook. Note to would-be word-coiners: the blog-related lexicon is saturated. Send words about business, social networks, anything but blogs! [Valleyspeak]

¬ That Sprint phone got here. Tried to use it for work, which is why there are only two posts up. (That and I am dumb.)
¬ San Fran company Mule Design Studio sent this Flickr-in-joke T-shirt. It looks good and makes one's chest happy.
¬ Corporate Casuals, a Valleywag advertiser, sent some hats with the 'wag logo. Looks handmade. Very loving, very kind, gonna keep making fun of them on Fridays.

In the works: Valleyschwag, an eBay schwag consignment outlet. Swatches of the armpits from Steve Ballmer shirts! Oracle-branded condoms (Extra-thick Firewall (TM))! All at your fingertips, mere days — no, hours — from now.

Earlier: Disclosure Day: Techcrunch, Sprint, and a thinly veiled plea [Valleywag]

Monday
Google in space — and in Houston: Google plans a Houston office. No moon base yet.
(Another) Valleywag writer wanted: One Valleywagger means a boom, two means a bubble.
Guest story: Netscape fallout laid out: The post that made Jeremy Liew a hero.

Tuesday
Caption this: Michael Arrington and Bill Gates, sweater buddies: Hands to yourself, Bill.
Liveblogging Tom Cruise: Arms were wrestled. Couches were trod upon.

Wednesday
Google Finance doesn't care about black people: Screen-scraping never get old!
The Junglee man's back with Webaroo: I just like how the words sound.

Thursday
MSN Meltdown: Kevin Johnson shuffles PSD, round one: Buh-bye, David Cole.
The new Microsoft hegemony: Kevin Johnson's reorg rundown: I, for one, welcome our new Live overlords.
Larry and Sergey — a bond that can't be broken: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Friday
Bill Gates's fighting technique is unstoppable: You think that's badass, you should see Steve Ballmer in a cage match.
ConFonz at GDC: Will Wright's sloppy like Poppy: Employees must wash hands before playing Halo.
Gavin Newsom is friends with the Google guys! Honest!: No seriously guys, they send me e-mails!

Whenever I see the name "Jim Allchin" I keep thinking it's the alias Bruce Campbell uses when staying near where he's shooting a movie.

Floater wants to crash Google's bash:

Sounds like a good party. Think I'll be able to do a "reverse merger" with someone's "taint curve," though?

Oh, that wasn't Tom Cruise? Regine gets these celebrities confused sometimes:

Did the Target dog get a similar reception when that corporation visited Yahoo?

Blackjack steals the show:

The Top Ten ways you know it's time to bail out of your failing dot-com:

10) Feminine products in restroom replaced with advertisements for The Pill and The Patch.
9) Your guest speaker for the influential speakers series isn't Tom Cruise, but Tom Poston.
8) Eccentric billionaire leadership decides new employees have to fetch real lava for the company's tchotchke lava lamps.
7) Mike Arrington would rather payoff than write about your company on a bet.
6) The CEO writes an open letter to a stronger company's CEO begging him to merge the two firms' operating systems.
5) A consultant recommends that your firm should take on iTunes with a digital music service; management agrees.
4) Your executive management team just came back from an outsourcing capital like India with the kind of afterglow usually seen on someone after sex.
3) Your $70k per year boss and his $120k per year boss begin telling $35k staffers that they are overpaid despite doing the work of three people.
2) Then: IPOs. Now: employee plasma drives to raise cash and pay the utility bills for the office.

And the number one reason you should know it's time to bail out of your dot-com...
1) You are reading this post because you haven't had any real work to do for a couple of weeks!

Brilliant! If you're witty too, tell tips@valleywag.com, and you just may join the club.

If you're interested, send along a paragraph about yourself and a paragraph about what you'd like to see more or less of on this site. Don't bother with resumes or clips, but if you've got a blog, include the link. For this to work out, you'll need to be living in or near the Bay Area.

We won't be able to respond to everyone, but if we like what we see, we'll get back to you quickly. Emails to jobs@valleywag.com.