Valleywag: separated at net worth

CNBC's Jim Goldman is not "The Office's" Andy Bernard

Nicholas Carlson — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 11:40:00 PDT

It's difficult to get an interview with Steve Jobs. When you finally get one, the temptation surely is to play nice in hopes that you'll get another. But did CNBC's Jim Goldman have to ask such sycophantic questions? After rattling off statistics straight from Apple PR, Goldman asks Jobs, "How surprising is it for you that Mac momentum continues to grow at this level at this time? I mean there's an enormous amount of longevity here." Goldman's slick business-suit looks and his suck-up tone immediately reminded me of one of Goldman's quasi-coworkers at NBC Universal — Dunder-Mifflin's Andy Bernard, played by Ed Helms in NBC's "The Office." Check out the "Best of Andy Bernard" clip below and see if you agree.

Henry Blodget, neat freak

Owen Thomas — Wed, 28 May 2008 11:40:00 PDT

Is disgraced stock analyst Henry Blodget the reincarnation of Howard Hughes? In an inadvertently revealing Silicon Alley Insider post explaining his dislike of Windows Seven's touchscreen features, Blodget's screaming germophobia is on full display.

We never touch our PC screen, and we hate it when other people touch our PC screens.... We're not particularly anal, and we polish up our Blackberry every thirty seconds or so.... So excuse us if we don't jump up and down in excitement at the thought that people are going to feel better about jabbing their fat, greasy fingers into our PC screens.

What's particularly fascinating is how Blodget attempts to normalize his neurosis by using the first person plural. Polishing your BlackBerry that frequently isn't healthy, Hank.

Oracle CEO Larry Ellison is Iron Man

Nicholas Carlson — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:00:00 PDT

Besides creating one of the world's most successful tech companies, Larry Ellison invented the 5 o'clock shadow plus blazer look. He drives an Audi R8 to the gym — the car Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson described as "like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley." Ellison also owns a gigantic high-tech yacht on to which he disappears for months at a time. Face it, people: He is Tony Stark, known as Iron Man in the press. And his employees think so, too. "Having watched the movie at an Oracle employees premiere," one writes, "I can agree and I'm sure so do my fellow Oracle employees." Clips for comparison, below.

Is Craig Newmark a Leninist, or just a lookalike? Don't ask a newspaper man

Jackson West — Mon, 12 May 2008 10:20:00 PDT

In the wake of eBay's suit against Craiglist, we get a touch more fear and loathing from a newspaper about the online classifieds site and local bulletin board from the Times:

[Craigslist] is also a site that is deeply tied up with the fate of newspapers — indeed, many in the newspaper industry blame the site's founder, Craig Newmark, for the downturn in their classified-advertising business.

The Times pegs the company's revenue at $80 million to $100 million annually — a lowball estimate, from what we hear — and gets founder and chairman Newmark to admit he's never donated more than $20,000 to any particular cause. But it's the kicker that makes on wonder how enthusiastic a capitalist Newmark is. "We know these guys in Google and the eBay guys, and they are not any happier than anyone else," says Newmark. "A lot of money is a burden." $10 million, his estimated take from a deal with eBay to let them buy shares in Craigslist, must not be enough for Newmark to feel burdened. Give it away, Craig — you have nothing to lose but your chains! Not to mention the Times photo, in full below, which made me wonder whether Newmark and Lenin were separated at birth.

The Share Bears in the Land Without Portability

Tim Faulkner — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 18:00:55 PST

Caring is sharing, people, especially when it comes to your personal data. Leading developers from important social-network sites joining a "data-portability" advocacy group doesn't represent history in the making. It's a marketing campaign to make everyone feel sickly sweet, knowing that these websites are so concerned about our information. Like the Care Bears, by signing on to the DataPortability Working Group, top coders like Brad Fitzpatrick, Dave Recordon, and Ben Ling have joined forces to form a group which we can only call by one name. Presenting: The Share Bears!

Wish Bear / Chris Saad: Formed the DataPortability Working Group in the hopes that his wish — that all websites would share their data — comes true for everyone. Although Saad is not a major player at a big Internet company, pretending to make wishes come true is still a lot of fun.

Tenderheart Bear / Brad Fitzpatrick: Helps everyone show and express their feelings. He helps his fellow Share Bears be as caring as they can be, as the most prominent developer to join the Share Bears. The Share Bears don't have a leader, but as the lead developer of OpenID and other open-source tools at blogging company Six Apart, now the poster boy for Google's OpenSocial platform, Brad Fitzpatrick comes closest to it.

Friend Bear / Dave Recordon: As a close friend of Tenderheart Bear and his replacement as spokesman for open technologies at Six Apart, is a kind and friendly bear. Sometimes he disagrees with his buddy over Google's definition of friendly. Thinks "the social graph" is the meaning of being a good friend.

Love-A-Lot Bear / Ben "Bling" Ling: is a pretty and perky bear who helps spread love and help it along wherever he goes, be it Google or Facebook where he recently defected to to lead its platform program.

Birthday Bear / Joseph Smarr: Plaxo's chief architect hates it when people forget birthdays. That's why he wants you to sync up all of your online identities, so no one misses out on your happy day.

Cheer Bear / Matthew Rothenberg: As the representative for well-liked and fairly open social photo site Flickr, is a very happy and perky bear, who helps everyone be their happiest and cheer up those who are unhappy, like those who work for Google or Facebook.

Grumpy Bear / Marc Canter: Teaches us all that it's okay to be grumpy and vocal about open standards sometimes, but it's also silly to let grumpiness go too far when your own philosophy rarely results in business success. Canter's PeopleAggregator is an example of both supporting open technologies and its irrelevance, the silver lining and the rain cloud.

Bedtime Bear / Marc Canter: So special that he captures the personality of two Share Bears, Canter is a very sleepy bear. He helps everyone get a good night's sleep and have sweet dreams of portable data.

Good Luck Bear / Robert Scoble: Isn't a developer and doesn't work for a major Internet player, but sheer luck has made Scoble an intriguing bit player in the data-portability movement.

Editor's note: This is Tim Faulkner's last piece for Valleywag. Faulkner has been a contributor to the site since May 2007.

"Heroes" could be replaced by Yahoo executives

Tim Faulkner — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:00:10 PST

Every geek's favorite show of the moment Heroes is set to expire in three episodes due to the Writers Guild strike. What will the twitchy geeks do without their superhero fix? Fortunately, we have a solution. Have you ever noticed that Yahoo vice president Jeff Weiner, rumored to be on the outs with new president Sue Decker, bears an uncanny resemblance to Heroes villain Sylar? Or that CEO and cofounder Jerry Yang could stand in for the cuddly, bespectacled Hiro Nakamura? That's right: Substitute the hit show's cast with Yahoo's management team, and let the boardroom drama play out. No script necessary.

Hiro Nakamura: The unimposing programmer who is forced to confront enemies and circumstances larger than himself. He's convinced he is a hero that can save the world. Has the power to manipulate the space-time continuum to travel through time.

Jerry Yang, founder and CEO: The unimposing founder who is forced to confront lagging performance and competitors larger than himself. He's convinced he is a proper CEO that can save the company. If he could travel through time, he could have purchased Google and Facebook, and never, ever said the company has a 100-day plan.

Claire Bennet, "The Cheerleader": The high school cheerleader may not be the central character of heroes, but much of the plot revolves around her. Is nearly indestructible because of her ability to regenerate.

Sue Decker, president: Decker may not have gotten the role of CEO, but the machinations within Yahoo revolve around her. No matter what is thrown at Decker, she always manages to survive and maintain a pivotal role.

Sylar: The villain of the series is hell-bent on destroying the world and has the ability to suck the powers of others.

Jeff Weiner, vice president, Network division: Once former CEO Terry Semel's golden boy, Weiner has been blamed for many of Yahoo's failures; Weiner has an uncanny knack for acquiring additional responsibilities within the company as others defect.

Matt Parkman: Externally, he's a normal cop who's frequently beaten by the superior powers of other Heroes, but his superpower allows him to overhear the thoughts of everyone around him.

David Filo: the forgotten cofounder takes a backseat to the other strong-willed executives, but he hears whispers all around him from complaining Yahoos.

Mohinder Suresh: The scientist may be central to unlocking the mysteries of the Heroes' powers. He often looks after the heroes despite lacking any powers of his own.

Ash Patel, vice president of platforms and infrastructure: This software architect could be central to unraveling the many disparate Yahoo properties to unlock a cohesive technology strategy, but he lacks meaningful power within Yahoo's bureaucracy. Not to mention a single clue, or the power, employees say, to show up to work before 10 a.m.

Niki Sanders: Has superhuman strength and a dual personality.

Jill Nash, chief communications officer: With the dwindling ranks in Yahoo's public relations department, it will take superhuman strength and a dual personality to handle Yahoo's employee morale and external press relations.

You know what? This is better than the TV show could ever be. Unlike Heroes where you know they'll eventually save the world, there's real suspense in whether or not Yahoo can save itself from total irrelevance.

Googler or Muppet? The boss edition

Nicholas Carlson — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 17:00:39 PST

Back by popular demand, we bring you part four of our three-part Valleywag quiz, "Googler or Muppet?" For our encore, we're going straight to the top. Guitar-wielding Janice may be the the driving talent behind the Electric Mayhem, but the rockers would never have gotten anywhere without band manager Scooter. Likewise, Google CEO Eric Schmidt brings order to Google's chaotic creativity, when he's not flying to see his girlfriend on his party plane. Can you tell the two apart?

Missed the first three parts?

Googler or Muppet? Blonde ambition

Nicholas Carlson — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 14:00:37 PST

Dr. Teeth gets all the credit for the hitmaking machine that was the Electric Mayhem. But dig a little deeper and you'll find the true star of the band behind such megahits as "Can You Picture That?" It was Janice, lead guitarist and protohipster. We're equally sure another two blondes might have had as much to do with the successes of Google cofounder Larry Page. Can you tell which blonde is which in part three of our three-part Valleywag quiz, "Googler or Muppet?"

Googler or Muppet? Green with envy

Nicholas Carlson — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 13:01:12 PST

In this — part two of our three-part "Googler or Muppet?" Valleywag quiz — we present an even tougher challenge. Not only do this Muppet and this Googler possess similarly wistful dispositions, they also sound exactly the same. In fact, we're not sure which is which. Are you?

Googler or Muppet? You decide

Nicholas Carlson — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 12:00:06 PST

A reader writes in to point out the resemblance between Google's Android demonstrator Dan Morrill and Muppet Lab assistant Beaker. We object to this rude comparison. Morrill looks much more like Muppet professor Dr. Bunsen Honeydew than his ever-squeaking assistant. Judge for yourself with the first entry in our three-part Valleywag Quiz: Googler or Muppet? You might find it's hard to tell.