The foundation's two main programs are the 11th Hour Project, an organization which publishes links to information it deems "scientific" about global warming, and Greenhound LLC, a bus operator on Nantucket Island. Schmidt is the founder of the 11th Hour Project, and a longtime summer resident of Nantucket, where she is also an investor in downtown real estate.

Both superficially good causes. But if Eric wanted to give Wendy, who has a master's in journalism from Berkeley, a job writing environmental press releases, why didn't he just hire her at Google, as he did with ex-girlfriend Marcy Simon? And if the Schmidts want to boost the value of their Nantucket real estate with bus service, why don't they just pay for it themselves, rather than with the help of a tax-exempt charitable foundation?

Eric Schmidt complains about the lack of investigative journalism today. This seems like a good place to start. Compared to Bill and Melinda Gates, whose charity reaches around the globe, the Schmidts don't just come across as small-hearted. They look downright unimaginative.

Schrage, we hear, strongly opposed Simon's hiring as a consultant for the launch of the then-secret Googlephone — the collection of wireless software now known as Android. And Schmidt's extramarital relationships, first with Simon and later with Kate Bohner, were a source of friction between him and Schrage, not because Schrage disapproved, but because it hurt the company's image. Or so I've heard. I've run into Schrage twice at the conference, and he's made noises about talking to me, at which point I'll ask him directly about all this.

That's not the only run-in Schrage and Simon have had, though. Before taking her current gig at Thomson Reuters — one that Thomson Reuters PR staff are not very happy about — Simon made a strong play to take over PR at Facebook. She was not very gently rebuffed, and Schrage landed the job instead.

And yet here we see Schrage, smiling, or faking a smile, as he catches up on email as Simon and Wojcicki catch up. His new bosses at Facebook should be pleased they've hired someone so skilled at putting on appearances.

Security may prevent me from attending the formal program. But the hotel bar is lovely, I hear, and I intend to camp out there, to overhear what I may and hold court with brave (or incautious) tipsters. Folks I'm looking forward to running into:

• Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, who threatened to shoot me
• Thomson Reuters CEO Tom Glocer, or rather, his rumored chaperone at the event — Marcy Simon, Google CEO Eric Schmidt's ex-girlfriend
• Yahoo president Sue Decker, who is negotiating a divorce at the same time as a merger

And that's just for starters. See why I don't get invited to these things?

For you, gentle reader, I can endure a few awkward conversations and more. Peruse the list of speakers, think of questions you'd like me to ask, and I'll do my best to buttonhole them for you.

It's not the fact that the married Schmidt sleeps around that bothers Schrage (and most of his underlings in Google PR); it's how Schmidt mixes business and pleasure. His recent mistress, Marcy Simon, was temporarily installed in Google's New York office to head up PR for Google's still-nonexistent Googlephone. Simon's replacement, TV journalist Kate Bohner, has squired Schmidt, very publicly, to at least one political debate cosponsored by Google's YouTube and CNN. If Schrage wanted to deal with bimbo eruptions, he could have stayed in politics.

It's not clear Schrage is the best choice for the Facebook job, objectively speaking. One person who's worked with him says he's a disaster as a manager, and not particularly strong in the PR part of his duties, preferring the more high-falutin' policy work.

But that could make him the perfect yes-man to Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg's plans for world amelioration. At the South by Southwest conference, Zuckerberg talked, tongue not at all in cheek, about how Facebook could bring peace to the Middle East by preventing Arab teenages from turning into terrorists. He seems to believe sincerely in this stuff. And if it gets him a job at Facebook, Schrage is just slick enough to put on the illustion that he does, too.

In her little-watched "Watercooler Diaries" series on YouTube, Bohner films herself in a bikini, swimming with dolphins and interviewing Florida locals. In an on-camera commentary, Bohner makes the following observation about the dolphins:

The boys stay together in their bachelor pads to go hunter-gathering and also ... to go sniffing out for more pods of girls. Rrnnnggh! Just like human boys!

Well, Google shareholders can rest easy. Simon figured out that despite the massive diamond ring he gave her, Schmidt wasn't serious about promises he made Simon about splitting with Wendy. (According to a Simon confidante, Schmidt claimed he was "legally separated" from his wife. Can anyone confirm that?) "When he's with Wendy, he's completely with her," says an insider. And when he's not with her, he's with someone like Kate Bohner. Impressive that he manages to have so much free time while ostensibly running Google.

• Valleywag Quiz: Googler or Muppet? Part one.
  
• Valleywag Quiz: Googler or Muppet? Part two.
  
• Valleywag Quiz: Googler or Muppet? Part three.
  

Missed the first three parts?

• Valleywag Quiz: Googler or Muppet? Part one
• Valleywag Quiz: Googler or Muppet? Part two
• Valleywag Quiz: Googler or Muppet? Part three

A divorce would put part of Schmidt's multibillion-dollar Google stake on the market, potentially depressing the share price. And a recent study has found a strong correlation between the purchase of an expensive house by the CEO and a drop in his company's shares. Schmidt likes to laugh off his affairs, telling confidants, "What can I say? I just like the ladies." (We note the use of the plural, especially since Schmidt appears to have a habit of two-timing.)

It's time for Google's board, however, to tell Schmidt that his love life is no laughing matter. At best, it's an unneeded distraction as Google faces renewed attacks from rivals and growing unrest from partners. At worst, it's a lapse of personal ethics — especially his installing Simon as a Google consultant — that sets a corrupting tone for a company that pretends to instruct employees not to be "evil."

What would be the non-evil thing to do here? Perhaps Schmidt's marriage is on the rocks; perhaps he's sincere in his intention to make an honest woman out of the former Duchess of West Chelsea. If so, he should get on with matters, and disclose the disposition of his personal fortune in Google stock to shareholders. Given the recent findings on CEOs tanking their companies' stocks after buying expensive houses, perhaps he should disclose his real-estate plans, as well. (If he does intend to marry Simon, perhaps the pre-nup ought to be thrown into the SEC filing, while he's at it.)

But we suspect Schmidt doesn't want to disclose any of this. Not because he's worried about privacy — but because his intentions with respect to the "ladies" in his life are, well, evil. A legal disclosure would require some finality. And, from all appearances, it seems like Schmidt prefers his affairs unsettled.

When Google went public, it set up a two-class system of shares, ensuring that Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, not Wall Street, would rule the company. Intended to shield the company from short-term pressures to goose earnings at the expense of long-term growth, this structure has encouraged a tendency to insular thinking that, in turn, has lead to arrogance. Or, to use a fine Greek word, hubris.

Hubris is what leads Schmidt to think he can pad Google's payroll with a girlfriend's consulting fees. Hubris is what leads sales chief Tim Armstrong to think he can run a sideline business, Associated Content, which is designed to profit from Google's advertisers in unseemly ways. Hubris is what leads Brin to loan his wife, Anne Wojcicki, $2.6 million for her biotech startup, 23andMe — and then turn around and have Google repay his loan and more with a $3.9 million investment in her company.

The costs of these behaviors, of course, amount to pocket change compared to Google's immense profits. But the precedents they set, the carelessness they encourage, the hypocrisy they foster, could have implications down the road. When Google shares are going up, investors are unlikely to complain that Google management is running the company like a feudal kingdom. But when things take an inevitable turn for the worse, they'll be under the microscope.

In the meantime, such corruption will leave an indelible mark on the behaviors and attitudes of Google employees. If it's okay for the boss to cheat the company, they'll reason, why can't I? And before you know it, "Don't be evil" will be replaced as a slogan with "Get away with whatever you can."

A recent report by Penn State researchers suggests that narcissism among CEOs makes a company's stock more volatile. May we suggest Eric Schmidt as an excellent subject for a follow-up study?

Watch out, though, Google PR. You think by inviting people from "consumer-focused" women's magazines, you're going to avoid hard tech questions and be able to give them the cutesy party line about the greatness of Google? It's not going to work that way. You're just opening yourself up to questions about Eric Schmidt's gal pal Marcy Simon. These magazines don't know much about tech, but they sure do love a good scandal.

Marcy Simon, Valleywag has learned, doesn't just have

I've written before that Google will not come out with its own phone model, as Apple has done. And indeed, the need for any Googlephone escapes me; Google should be building services that work on any phone, no matter who makes it or what OS it runs. At best, the Googlephone project, I believe, is a big stick Google will use to threaten phonemakers and wireless carriers into carrying its search engine and applications.

Which, of course, makes hiring a fancy New York PR person like Simon thoroughly pointless. If there's no Googlephone for Simon to launch, why waste office space on her? Because it's a plausible job that Schmidt can assign to his girlfriend with a minimum of fuss. Simon, ignorant of the wireless industry, won't know it's a waste of time; Schmidt may actually have duped her into thinking it's a plum job, almost as sparkly a bauble as the canary-yellow diamond ring Schmidt also gave her. Meanwhile, Schmidt can appease his internal critics by pointing out that he's only given Simon a space-filling job that no savvy staff member would ever want.

Packed to the gills in its West Chelsea offices, Google is on the hunt for more office space in the neighborhood. And Schmidt himself has noted how a rampant hiring binge led to a squeeze on profits in the second quarter. Schmidt defended the overhiring, saying the people Google brought on were of such high quality that, in retrospect, company management didn't mind, but they're now easing back on adding new recruits. (We've been trying to help out with our "Toogle Many Googlers" series.)

Imagine how Googlers will feel when they learn that the real-estate crunch and the hiring cutbacks are partly because Schmidt felt the need to make room for his girlfriend. When you dial Google's New York number and get through to the automated phone directory, Marcy Simon's listed, and a tipster says she definitely has an office there. What her duties at Google are is unclear.

Also unclear is what happened to the job Simon, in February, landed at Ogilvy PR as a "senior advisor." Perhaps her colleagues at Ogilvy already felt they'd had enough advice?

The gall of Schmidt — whether he's actually put his girlfriend on the payroll, or just provided her scarce New York office space — puts us in mind of Charles II, the Restoration ruler of England. That king was famous for giving his mistresses royal titles, so it would be more seemly for him to consort with them. Perhaps Schmidt, in his imperial delusions, thinks that giving Simon a direct-dial line at Google will make his spending time with her seem less questionable.

Hardly so, of course. But we're nevertheless taking the occasion to crown Simon as the Duchess of West Chelsea. Because this is — how to put it delicately? — royal bullshit.