Wish Bear / Chris Saad: Formed the DataPortability Working Group in the hopes that his wish — that all websites would share their data — comes true for everyone. Although Saad is not a major player at a big Internet company, pretending to make wishes come true is still a lot of fun.

Tenderheart Bear / Brad Fitzpatrick: Helps everyone show and express their feelings. He helps his fellow Share Bears be as caring as they can be, as the most prominent developer to join the Share Bears. The Share Bears don't have a leader, but as the lead developer of OpenID and other open-source tools at blogging company Six Apart, now the poster boy for Google's OpenSocial platform, Brad Fitzpatrick comes closest to it.

Friend Bear / Dave Recordon: As a close friend of Tenderheart Bear and his replacement as spokesman for open technologies at Six Apart, is a kind and friendly bear. Sometimes he disagrees with his buddy over Google's definition of friendly. Thinks "the social graph" is the meaning of being a good friend.

Love-A-Lot Bear / Ben "Bling" Ling: is a pretty and perky bear who helps spread love and help it along wherever he goes, be it Google or Facebook where he recently defected to to lead its platform program.

Birthday Bear / Joseph Smarr: Plaxo's chief architect hates it when people forget birthdays. That's why he wants you to sync up all of your online identities, so no one misses out on your happy day.

Cheer Bear / Matthew Rothenberg: As the representative for well-liked and fairly open social photo site Flickr, is a very happy and perky bear, who helps everyone be their happiest and cheer up those who are unhappy, like those who work for Google or Facebook.

Grumpy Bear / Marc Canter: Teaches us all that it's okay to be grumpy and vocal about open standards sometimes, but it's also silly to let grumpiness go too far when your own philosophy rarely results in business success. Canter's PeopleAggregator is an example of both supporting open technologies and its irrelevance, the silver lining and the rain cloud.

Bedtime Bear / Marc Canter: So special that he captures the personality of two Share Bears, Canter is a very sleepy bear. He helps everyone get a good night's sleep and have sweet dreams of portable data.

Good Luck Bear / Robert Scoble: Isn't a developer and doesn't work for a major Internet player, but sheer luck has made Scoble an intriguing bit player in the data-portability movement.

Editor's note: This is Tim Faulkner's last piece for Valleywag. Faulkner has been a contributor to the site since May 2007.

Here's a typical email from one presenter:

Just make sure Owen Thomas knows what we do and doesn't mistake us for a SNS that is offered directly to end-users! We offer up a 'meta-network' engine - so in fact folks can run their OWN entire Ning."

Here's how it works:

• You send me (paul@valleywag.com) a summary of your onstage presentation or booth demo. Include a phone number for questions.
  
• I'll post a jargon-free rewrite of it.

For example, Marc Canter's PeopleAggregator — described in the email above — comes in two forms. The easy version is an online service that lets customers click to build their own social network-y sites, such as the Poker Players Alliance. More Web-savvy techies and organizations can run PeopleAggregator software on their own servers. Sample customers: GT Channel, Let's Cricket, and the Dell/Intel Extreme Gaming Tour.

Marc's 8:30 a.m. workshop, Open Data, will focus on getting Web 2.0 online services to allow customers to move their data around among different sites as they see fit. For example, I've spent two years building my linkedIn profile and network. Why can't I automatically import all that info to Facebook, the way I imported my Internet Explorer bookmarks into Firefox? It turns out, Marc says, that linkedIn lets me save my info to an easily read file format, but Facebook isn't set up to read it yet. Sounds like a killer app in the waiting.

It's like tech reporting, but in English! Who's next? (Warning to publicists: The one word I don't understand is "embargo.")

You see, in today's Silicon Valley, it's not enough to build a successful business. In fact, if you have any chance of being successful, the church of open standards will demand you bow down before their altar and tithe your users to them.

Canter, in short, wants Zuckerberg to join the kibbutz and sing a round of "Kumbaya" while holding hands. Not to mention solving all the industry's "problems" — the chief problem, apparently, being that most social networks aren't nearly as successful as Facebook, and Canter feels Zuckerberg owes them a helping hand. Never mind what "opening" Facebook might mean for its users (one word: spam).

Oh, and Canter's screed certainly wouldn't have anything to do with Canter's own also-ran social network, PeopleAggregator, which has attracted few users despite "doing the right thing." The right thing, apparently, being "failing." Sure. Canter can't replicate the success of Facebook, and he can't make the marketplace care about his values. But he can buoy his reputation as a pundit by bullying Facebook. Welcome to the kibbutz. There sure is a lot of manure on these fields, isn't there?

Hoffman, of course, is being perfectly cycnical in claiming he's trying to protect users' interests, rather than profiting from them. Of course, it's not clear whether or not this Bill of Rights would allow Rapleaf's TrustFuse to profit from selling that individually-owned data. But that's the beauty of such lofty, high-minded Web manifestos: They count for nothing but the appearance of good intentions.

Below, hot Marc-on-joint action.

Marc looks like an old hand rolling joints. That must mean he's been to Amsterdam quite a lot, right? Right?

Marc Canter Amsterdam Tutorial [Flickr, CC license]

For instance, Marc just popped into an unrelated TechCrunch discussion about photo sharing sites Flickr and Zooomr to plug his "social network network" site. He manages to name his company and his personal blog, without explaining what the hell he's talking about. Someone remind me why this guy is still invited to conferences?

Marc Canter's comment [TechCrunch]

Stay tuned sports fans in the on-gong saga of "why is Nick Douglas fucking with me?" [Marc Canter]
Earlier: Software shipper Marc Canter doesn't deny smoking dope at conferences or inviting lesbians to threesomes with his wife

Oh dear, I just did a Canter in the [redacted] presentation.

In the sense of "fell asleep in an orange shirt." Not "smoked dope first and heckled incoherently."

Or "hit on any woman present, then when told she's a lesbian suggested a threesome with my wife."

Or "hired a series of programmers and forgot to pay them."

Here's what Canter replied:

Clearly Valleywag has set new levels of blogging integrity.

I sure would like to know who claims that I asked them to do work - and refused to pay them?

Just sayin'.

Is this what blogging has stooped to? [Marc's blog]
Photo: Marc Canter gone wild [Robert Scales on Flickr]

Oh dear, I just did a Canter in the [redacted] presentation. In the sense of "fell asleep in an orange shirt." Not "smoked dope first and heckled incoherently." Or "hit on any woman present, then when told she's a lesbian suggested a threesome with my wife." Or "hired a series of programmers and forgot to pay them."

Not that we'd ever accuse Canter of these things.

Earlier: Crazy uncle update: Sleepy, Grumpy, and Dopey
Photo: Marc Canter [Ben Hammersley on Flickr]

Here's a hit of news for all you crazy-uncle-watchers out there.

• Conference addict Marc Canter has embraced his inability to stay awake at conferences like Gnomedex. Rather than admit that he needs to sleep at home, the sleepy software developer slaps three photos of his famous open-mouthed doze onto his site banner. Declaring himself the canary in the boring-lecture coal mine, he writes, "My body is the ultimate judge." Gnomedex organizer Chris Pirillo comments that bodies that just smoked weed don't make the best judges. [Marc's Voice]

• Conference heavyweight Dave Winer, not to be outdone, says that he falls asleep at conferences too, and that this is also the conferences' fault. He then mentions "assholes" and their "shit" for no good reason, and for this we applaud him. [Comment on Marc's Voice]
• Meanwhile, ZDNet columnist Steve Gillmor explains his tactic for getting Sun to send him all their PR announcements. "Everytime I see Jonathan [Schwartz, Sun CEO], I try and embarass Noel [Hartzell, Schwartz's spokesman] by complaining." Someone's been reading How to Win Friends and Influence People! [Steve Gillmor's Inforouter]

After watching, I still didn't know what People Aggregator does, so I added some helpful subtitles. Enjoy!

Think you could do better? Remix this video with Jumpcut.

Marc's PeepAgg intro [.mov file]
Marc Canter's People Aggregator, snarked [Jumpcut remix]

Yahoo blogger Jeremy Zawodny was the first to call out Canter. Canter replied with a barely readable rebuttal. His defense: Hey, you e-mailed me once, it's only fair.

Now the spam debate is snowballing. Mild-mannered Sean Bonner, founder of the Metroblogging network, says that Canter tried to spam his entire staff. Hard to believe all those recipients once e-mailed Canter, says Bonner. We've got a clear-cut case of spam.

Marc, buck up and tell yourself, "I can make friends without spam."

And then take a class in communication, 'cause damn, that shit is whack.

Opt-Out 2.0: Making Social Software Less Annoying [Jeremy Zawodny]
Yes - indeed we're inviting people in now [Marc Canter]
Spam by any other name... [Sean Bonner]

We've explained the crazy uncles before: Canter's a wacky Macromedia burnout, Gillmor's an attention-starved ZDNet journo, and Winer's a blog feed innovator who's always boss of the playground. Arrington is the latest victim of their attention-getting argument club.

Gillmor wrote a staggeringly incoherent BloggerCon wrapup, practically begging Winer and Arrington to link to it. Arrington did, asking his readers if anyone could decipher Gillmor's prose. (They can't.)

Gillmor and Winer chimed in on Arrington's comments, making — oh hell, here's a diagram.

Every microcosm has a group like this. Don't commit Arrington's mistake — steer clear of these mutually abusive cliques.

Steve Gillmor: "Please Don't Link to That" [CrunchNotes]

• A guide to Unix becomes the new summer beach read for a topless sunbather in Greece. [NSFW: Flickr]
• A journalist overheard explaining how to pad an article: "But one thing is clear: I have three more paragraphs to fill." "It remains to be seen whether I can meet wordcount."
• Yahoo's photo sharing site Flickr, it turns out, made a simple way to import pics from other services. But co-founder Stewart Butterfield says that management decided to can it 'cause it was too "lame, and mean, and competitive in a bad way." Good thing you got bought, wimp. [Flickr forums]
• Web 2.0 cynic Eran Globen thrills at marketer Seth Godin's ability to sell Google themselves. "You guys have built something for the ages," Seth told Googlers in New York — in 2006 — about decisions made by different people in 1999. All marketers are liars, indeed. [Hellonline]
• Dear Macromedia founder Marc Canter: If you promise not to write free verse and call it a limerick, I'll promise not to make a Flash animation and call it an interface. [Marc's Voice]

Wag: So the Blogger Dinner. Who did we know there? Dave Winer, of course...
Nicole: Yeah. There was also Marc Canter of Broadband Mechanics...
Toni Schneider from Automattic [hired away from Yahoo — ed.]
Wag: Marc came with chocolate! [Picked up from the airport and marked "Happy Father's Day!"]
Nicole: which he said was a "bribe"
Wag: for reading his site or what?
Nicole: for us to generate site traffic i guess
Wag: All I could tell was Winer kept protesting. "This is a non-commercial dinner!"
Nicole: ... while everyone was trying to engage in commercial deals?
Wag: right, right
Nicole: Granted, most everyone was just sitting around eating. But there were definitely some talking about "enterprises" and "social networking"
I swear I heard Marc Canter toss out the words "people aggregator"

After the jump, we rag on Henry's Hunan.

Wag: And we saw Eric Lin of Phonescoop
Nicole: and Om!
Wag: last week my T-Mobile guy mentioned Eric.
Nicole: Phonescoop is famous
Wag: Apparently Eric Lin shops at the Mission District T-Mobile. I thought everyone delivered their phones to him on the feet of white messenger doves.
So you chatted with Niall Kennedy and Scott Beale for a while. What about?
Nicole: Well I talked to Scott about the success of Valleyschwag, and how I see that Laughing Squid sticker in almost all the packages
it's iconic! famous!
Wag: Damn, you got your schwag already?
Nicole: No no, I just browse through the Flickr tags. I'm too cheap to actually PAY for valleyschwag. Especially when I have 90% of the schwag given to me for free
Wag: So to map out the dinner for everyone — we had what, four tables at this place? Hunan? Henry's Hunan?
Nicole: yeah, Henry's Hunan. Which, I'll be honest, doesn't serve the best food. I mean, it was delicious.
Wag: I didn't wanna admit it
Nicole: But... there's better. There's a LOT better.
Wag: even for $12, there's better stuff.
Wag: So Om Malik held court in the corner table, with Marc Canter and...who else was at the Power Table?
Nicole:That was THE power table. Toni Schneider was also at that table, along with Dave I believe
Wag: I think Dave was at that middle table for a while, but he may have moved
Nicole: yeah. Him and Niall were switching tables
Wag: working the crowd
Nicole: Mingling and all that.
Wag: No fights that night, no arguments that I heard.
Nicole: No. I was half-hoping someone would lunge at you and say something like "Valleywag ruined my life" but sadly, no.
Wag: I just made sure not to get caught in the bathroom next to Winer.
Not because of Valleywag, I'm just saying, good advice.
Nicole:
um, right. NOT going there.
Anyway, I was a little disappointed. Not too many hipsters.
Wag: Mediocre guy-girl ratio.
Nicole: But it was cool to get a glimpse of the old boys crowd.
Wag: Like, 4 ladies, all very cool ones, but there's a lot of lame guyness to dilute
Nicole: You know what was missing though? Booze.
Wag: GOOD CALL.
Nicole: someone should've got some Tiger Beer going or something.
Wag:instead it was all green tea
Nicole: I think I'm spoiled by the Web 2.0 open bars.
Wag: So on a scale of 1 to awesome, what do we rate last night's dinner?
Nicole: hmn, how about we rate it ala ebay. wait, let me look for examples..
Wag: it's all "A++++++++++++" on there
Nicole: how about "omgwtfnobooze?"

• Tim won't sue Tom! Yay! Happy puppies and cake! [O'Reilly Radar]
• Oh wait shit Tom's pissed! "Is it just me or are they still not getting it?" asks Tom in a post titled "O'Reilly's mean-spirited response." He explains: "They are asking us to sign a document saying we won't hold any future events with the term Web 2.0 in the title." [Tom Raftery]
• I have written "Tom" for "Tim" and "Tim" for "Tom" seven times and had to fix it. GET NEW NAMES.
• O'Reilly has more tech heavyweights on his embarrassing Techmeme discussion page than he's ever had at his conferences. (Hint: Hover on "Discussion" and hit "+".) [Techmeme]

After the jump, more things that have happened.

• Macromedia founder Marc Canter has spoken from the hazy depths of his offices (Marc, your offices smell GOOD!) and turned from crazy old uncle to wise old uncle: Gee, he wonders, why hasn't activist Cory Doctorow added this to his mega-stream of IP-related Boing Boing articles? Surely it has NOTHING to do with Cory and Tim's friendship! COULDN'T BE. (Also: Marc wins award for awesomest illustrative photo.) [Broadband Mechanics]
• Update: Cory speaks — without swears, vitriol, or exclamation marks. It's like seeing Bill O'Reilly act like Garrison Keillor. [Boing Boing]
• Another Buddy-O-Reilly's, Boing Boing band manager John Battelle, will not comment until he talks to Tim. Nope, he will NOT take sides til he hears both. Wouldn't be fair.
• BUT-I'M-ON-TIM'S-SIDE-K-THX-BYE. [John Battelle]
• Thomas Hawk says it with pictures. [Thomas Hawk]
• Hawk updates: "First off I probably should not be calling Tim O'Reilly an asshole." [Thomas Hawk]
• Shel Israel has an entire naked conversation with himself but manages to say nothing. [Naked Conversations]
• Michael Arrington holds a Web 2.0 Party. Next up: Why Michael Arrington can kick Tim O'Reilly's ass. [TechCrunch]

Earlier: Anatomy of a shitstorm: O'Reilly trademarks Web 2.0 [Valleywag]

Earlier: Canter, Gillmor, and Winer: the crazy uncles of new media [Valleywag]

Gillmor really did put everyone to sleep. If it wasn't for Marc Canter screaming, it would have been a total nappy time.

Just don't get your arms and legs too close to Uncle Marc... he's been known to bite. Him, Dave Winer, Steve Gillmor... All like your crazy uncle the grown-ups found embarassing but the kids loved cause it made Thanksgiving all the more enjoyable.

Irina Slutsky is unaware of the impending doom that is Jake. Her fate, after the jump.

Jake: "Well, Irina, after I defused the dirty bomb and saved a small African tribe from destruction, I took a photo of myself and hand-delivered it to TIME. Sorry, just a second, the Pulitzer people are calling."

Joshua Kinberg (developer for media aggregator FireAnt) replays his "home videos."

And from Kristie Wells:

Dogster's Ted Rheingold: "No, I'm pretty sure Ferretster is not a viable spin-off."

Meanwhile, at a pre-pre-Supernova dinner:

Macromedia co-founder Marc Canter: "My social network is THIS BIG."

Photos:
1-3: Scott Beale [Laughing Squid]
4: Kristie Wells [Flickr]
5: Geodog [Flickr]