Dan Lyons is a cruelly funny man. He's been a journalist and fiction writer for decades, but Lyons is best known for the anonymous Fake Steve Jobs blog he launched in 2006. Writing from home at night, Dan vented his frustrations as a Forbes writer by inventing a fictional Steve Jobs character. Fake Steve said everything about the tech industry's titans that Dan wasn't allowed to print in Forbes. (Check out "I love to fuck with car salesmen" and "Eric Schmidt's Serenity Prayer.")

Today, it seems Dan has taken down a post, for the first time any of us can remember. From most reporters, I'd consider this typical pointy-haired management, what can ya do, etc. But seeing Dan Lyons self-censor his own honest work makes me wonder if I'll be able to stay true to my own after I leave Valleywag's free-fire zone next month.

What's changed for Lyons? Simple: This past summer, Newsweek hired him away from Forbes. After a long series of talks with both old and new editors, Lyons shut down Fake Steve Jobs and started a new blog, Real Dan Lyons.

Yesterday he blogged a potty-mouthed, Fake-Steve-style rant about Yahoo's PR people yanking his chain in his official Newsweek reporter role. Today that post is gone. Dan's not answering his cellphone or email today, so I have to presume it was his Newsweek editor who made him take it down. Certainly, I've never seen Lyons wake up in the morning and rush to undo his previous night's typing.

Here's the timeline:

• A month ago, Yahoo's PR reps put Dan on the phone, as a Newsweek reporter, with Roy Bostock, Yahoo's chairman.
• Bostock swore up and down, over and over again, that Jerry Yang was not being challenged as CEO of the flailing, sprawling company he co-founded more than ten years ago. A side note: A lawyer Yahoo PR put in touch with Lyons also swore that a lucrative deal to have Google sell ads for Yahoo was going to make it past antitrust regulators, no problem.
• Yesterday: Whoops. The Google deal never happened, and Yang has been forced out of the CEO seat.
• On Monday, Lyons posted to his own blog, blasting Yahoo's PR people as "lying sacks of shit."
• Today, that post is replaced with a 404 error. I dialed Dan's cellphone and got a robotic message saying this customer is not accepting calls.
• We can't think of a single Fake Steve Jobs post that Dan redacted while at Forbes. Can you?

I’d never dealt much with Yahoo before, and I was stunned by their PR operators — they’re really an unsavory bunch. During that same reporting this crack team of lying sacks of shit put one of Yahoo’s attorneys in Washington on the phone to tell me, over and over, the true “inside story” of what was going on with the Google deal, which was, he informed me, that the deal with Google was a sure thing, definitely going to happen, no way in hell is the deal not going to happen, there are no real objections from the regulators, they’re fine with it, the objections from advertisers are not an issue, blah blah blah. Then that deal fell apart. And now Jerry Yang is out on his ass. The take-away: Do not believe a word that Yahoo says. Ever.

And in case Newsweek's handwringingly sanctimonious editors make Lyons pull the blog post in the morning, here's a screenshot:

For good measure, Lyons also slapped Kara Swisher, the thoroughly self-involved AllThingsD editor who broke the story about Yang's departure.

Now, of course, I'm superficially more educated on the issues — now we have blogs, the gateways to voter enlightenment! — and, more to the point, old and solvent enough to host my own parties. Which I am doing tonight. And I plan on staying up past 8:30. The best part about election night is that there's something going on in every state. (The Sultry Piece Of Man Meat That Is Chuck Todd has a massively awesome state-by-state preview.) I always forget that, say, Montana has its own political system, with laws and everything. It's nice to be reminded.

Perhaps you've already voted, perhaps you're planning on voting, perhaps you have no plan to vote at all. I think all three of these things are fine. This is America, and if you decide not to vote, whether it's because of apathy, sloth or anarchism, you have that firm right. More to the point: You have the right not to be harangued by smug celebrities about not voting. I can assure you, a demand from Shia LeBeouf that I vote is less likely to inspire me to do so, not more. If you don't want to vote, whatever, dude, do what you like. Maybe Steven Spielberg should make a video about giving blood. It has a tangible, immediate benefit, and it'll help save the life of one of the children whose blood Spielberg uses for sustenance.

So, in other words, ignore crap like this.

Your vote is not going to count, like, at all. (The odds are 60 million to one against it.) I still think you should do it. But if you don't, you know, it's OK, you're not a horrible person.

Though I have to tell you: When you vote, you get that smug self-satisfaction you get when you do something you consider selfless and requires less effort than people think it does. I did it this morning, and I just think I'm Johnny Freaking Patriot right now.

I think it's worth noting that, if you were unable to provide yourself with a sexual partner on Halloween Night — which is really the only point of Halloween, prom and Arbor Day — you have a better chance on Election Night than you probably suspect. No matter where you live, there's going to be several bars full of people who are avid supporters of Barack Obama. (Here in Brooklyn, this will be every bar.) Locate these bars ahead of time. If Obama wins, you will almost certainly be able to hook up with a euphoric member of the opposite sex. If McCain wins, these bars will be full of suddenly apocalyptic members of the opposite sex. Kind of like blackout sex; your partner will be convinced the world is ending and therefore will probably be up for anything.

But yeah. Big night. An historic night, no matter what happens. You know my political leanings, but these are both honorable, intelligent men, and no matter how you vote, we're, by definition, going to be better off than we've been for the last eight years. OK, unless you vote for Nader. Screw that guy.

32. Detroit Lions (0-8). There really isn't much funnier than a kicker who falls down while running to kick the ball. I guarantee that you will see that in the 2009 Lions season preview while the narrator says, "The Lions look for a new start after a year ... when they couldn't find their footing." That really is unfortunate, though. The Lions are having enough troubles without the kicker slipping before he even gets to the ball. Rarely has one play better summed up a decade.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (1-7). In a sitdown interview with the Kansas City Star last week, before that dreadful loss Sunday, coach Herman Edwards was asked the following questions.

This team is 1-6. Attendance is dwindling. There are times when it looks like the franchise is lost. How much responsibility do you take for that?

If the second half of this season ends up being like the first half, a handful of wins and not a lot of visible progress, would you expect to be fired?

As the season moves forward and the losses keep coming, it’s hard for the average person to see progress.

Did you prepare yourself for how bad a season this could be?

Through all of this year’s turmoil, what is one thing you’d like to erase?

God, being a football coach must suck.

30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8). The clubhouse favorite to go winless remembered it had Chad Johnson and ruined my hopes of Marvin Lewis going 0-16 and still keeping his job. It's a shame, too. According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, tickets were actually going for 99 cents on StubHub. I know times are tough, Ohioians, but, sad to say, you're gonna have to start shelling out at least five bucks the rest of the season.

29. Oakland Raiders (2-6). As much as we all need this election to end so we can have our lives back, we all have to admit it that we'll miss it, just a little bit. Heck, I still miss Hillary a little bit. By the end of the campaign, she was actually a terrific candidate, but more to the point: We might never see a string of more awkward supporter videos in our lifetimes. When you combine the "creativity" of an average Hillary voter — as opposed to the average McCain voter, who is smart enough to understand how uncool they are — with the need to try to win over the youth vote that Obama had swiped from her, you really got some doozies. Without question, this is my favorite.

So much greatness. I love the guy doing a handstand on the escalator to start it off. I mean, pretty much every person shown in that video looks like they just got out of a Mike and the Mechanics concert.

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-6). You want to know how much work I put into this column every week? I honestly spent about 15 minutes deciding which band to go with in that last entry before finally landing on Mike and the Mechanics. The other nominees: Toad the Wet Sprocket, Live and Dan Fogelberg.

27. St. Louis Rams (2-6). So Sunday, after I finished watching the Buzzsaw's fourth straight win in St. Louis — a fact that Keith Olbermann amusingly pointed out Sunday was the first time the Cardinals had done that since 1983 ... which is four years before they left — I decided to watch my Illini basketball team play an exhibition against Florida Southern. The game was being streamed "live" on BigTenNetwork.com, the Website for the network that, as I've bitched about many, many times before, is unavailable in New York City. So, happy for the rare opportunity to check out the local five, I siphoned off a couple of hours at 5:30 to watch the game. I should have known. Despite a high-speed connection and more patience than I would have thought possible, the game never loaded, and I just sat there, staring ahead. God I hate the Big Ten Network. But hey: The ads on the video loaded. So there's that.

26. San Francisco 49ers (2-6). So this is exciting: Next week, your Monday Night Football matchup is San Francisco at Arizona. It's a pretty good bet that Kornheiser's asleep by halftime. I'll love it, though.

25. San Diego Chargers (3-5). Looking at their schedule, it's very possible that the Chargers will end up 6-10 this year. 6-10! And Norv Turner is out there firing other coaches. They shouldn't have let him come back from London.

24. Cleveland Browns (3-5). Here's something I learned about Drew Carey only recently: He's a fierce libertarian, to the point that he puts together regular videos on Reason.tv, the online video arm of Reason magazine. (He's even speaking at their big anniversary dinner in a couple of weeks.) I'm no libertarian — though it'd be awesome if weed were legal, yeah! — but it's a pretty fantastic magazine, even when it's totally wrong. Though I totally miss Kerry Howley, a former senior editor there (and fellow "Red Eye" guest), who is about 40 times smarter than me and 85 times hotter.

No one at Reason is this hot, though:

God, it's great to have him back, isn't it?

23. Houston Texans (3-5). On ESPN's "College GameDay" on Saturday, the gang of merry idiots was at Texas Tech — and I say that with genuine affection; I love that show — and joined by Bob Knight. It's pretty amazing that Bob Knight not only agrees to go on television as an analyst, but it's even more amazing that he's really good. He's funny, smart and clearly seems to be having a grand time. Knight has been a consistent figure in my life, and I have to say, I like this Bob Knight a lot more than the one who carries a gun. Guns always make a person a little less likable.

22. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-5). More end-of-election lamentation: When you're as obsessed with this election as I've been, certain people whom I've never met and probably never will become daily friends, people whose work I pore over, who have enlightened and entertained me and kept me sane. I'll still check out what they're doing, but not with the same urgency and passion. I'll miss them. An incomplete list.

Mike Allen.
Mark Ambinder.
Christopher Beam.
Mika Brzezinski.
Ron Brownstein.
Jonathan Chait.
Chris Cillizza.
Ta-Nehisi Coates.
Michelle Cottle.
Ana Marie Cox.
Michael Crowley.
John Dickerson.
Ross Douthat.
James Fallows.
Peter Feld.
Willie Geist.
Mark Halperin.
Tobin Harshaw.
John Heilemann.
Ken Layne.
Rachel Maddow.
Jonathan Martin.
Mike Murphy.
Timothy Noah.
Joe Scarborough.
Noam Scheiber.
Nate Silver.
Roger Simon.
Ben Smith.
Mark Steyn.
Chris Suellentrop.
Andrew Sullivan.
Karen Travers.
Karen Tumulty.
Chuck Todd.
Jacob Weisberg.

Thank you all, for allowing me to waste my time so gloriously over the last 18 months. Go take a nap. You've earned it.

21. Denver Broncos (4-4). It wasn't long ago that it looked like this team might be a legitimate Super Bowl contender. They're still probably going to win that division, though. If you're keeping score at home, the much (and deservedly) maligned NFC West is 11-21. The AFC West? 12-22.

20. New York Jets (5-3). Yet another mediocre performance by Brett Favre — he's starting to throw interceptions for touchdowns as a habit, like an alcoholic who has a flask sip around lunchtime, just to stay straight for a while — and still, they win, and everyone in New York is all excited again. (And I'll probably have to keep writing about the guy.) I still think they're going 9-7 and missing the playoffs.

19. Buffalo Bills (5-3). Well, at least everybody got their local telecasts back for that game. That hot start already seems like years ago. With Bills' fans luck, they'll win one more game this year ... and it'll be the one they play in Toronto. (For the record, I still think this team's making the playoffs, though I am not sure why.)

18. Miami Dolphins (4-4). Did you guys realize that Tom Arnold is an Oscar contender this year? Sure, he's a longshot, but he's supposedly very good as a child molester — really — in Gardens Of The Night. Scary.

That trailer is terrifying.

17. Minnesota Vikings (4-4). Of all the non-Presidential races tonight, I'll be keeping a particularly close eye on two of them. First is Proposition 8 in California, which, if it passes, will ban gay marriage. (In California! Of all places! California immediately loses all Laid Back State bragging rights if this goes through. You gave us Nixon, rolling blackouts and now this. Come on, people: Even Steve Young is against this!) The other is Al Franken's Senate race, which is pretty much as ugly as these things get. I'm still rooting for him, if just because Jesse Ventura isn't running.

16. Indianapolis Colts (4-5). God, why won't this team just DIE already? I'm telling you, every week their season doesn't end, they come that much closer to making a postseason run and destroying our Super Bowl again. Don't let it happen, people.

15. Green Bay Packers (4-4). Time for another trip to the wonderful land of the Green Bay Press Gazette. The top story on Sunday other than the Packers game: "Generations of memories roll on at Rola-Rena: Ashwaubenon skating center still going strong." The first sentence of the story: "Just try and convince Mary Dollar that roller skates don't have magical powers." Oh, I wouldn't dare.

14. New Orleans Saints (4-4). Tragic news from New Orleans over the weekend: A 72-year-old man shot and killed his 25-year-old wife, and then himself. How distraught do you have to be to kill yourself and a wife who's 47 years younger than you? I'd have to say pretty damned distraught.

13. Dallas Cowboys (5-4). Yeah, this team kind of looks done, doesn't it? It couldn't happen to a better bunch of guys. They're gonna need to go 5-2 — at least — down the stretch to make the playoffs. They have road games in Washington, Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, and they still have to play Baltimore and the Giants at home. As the outstanding Tim McMahon put it, "Tony Romo can't tackle running backs."

12. The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals (5-3). Speaking of SI, here's what Don Banks had to say after the Buzzsaw win Sunday: "Now that they've drubbed the resurgent Rams on the road, the Cardinals should have a cakewalk to their first division title since 1975, when they were still in St. Louis. Arizona is 5-3, 2-0 in the NFC West, and faces just three teams that currently have winning records in the season's second half — Giants at home, at Philadelphia, at New England. Even better, the Cardinals still have four division games left in the NFL's weakest division. They have San Francisco at home next week, followed by a trip to Seattle. St. Louis and Seattle must also still make the journey to Arizona." Augh! STOP TALKING STOP TALKING STOP TALKING. If they win their next two — home against the 49ers at on the road against the Seahawks — then I'll reassess. Until then, I'm Debbie motherflippin' Downer.

11. New England Patriots (5-3). I'm not sure what Bill Simmons wrote about to draw the ire of ESPN.com editors to the point that they wouldn't run his column ... but I do know that Rick Reilly's filing the exact same column next week for the magazine.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3). There aren't many baseball reporters better than SI's Jon Heyman, so when he starts throwing around Hot Stove Predictions, I listen. He has the Yankees signing both C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, Mark Teixiera and Manny Ramirez staying with their SoCal teams and Derek Lowe heading to Shea to sleep with NYC broadcasters. My big offseason fear — that the Cardinals are going to sign Kerry Wood — is not addressed ... but man, I am plenty scared.

9. Baltimore Ravens (5-3). So that Election Night party I'm hosting? Several of my guests were concerned about which channel we'll be watching throughout the night. Some wanted CNN, if just because they'll be running Larry King's heart monitor on the bottom of the screen all night. A couple wanted Fox News so they could, "watch Karl Rove die." (That seemed awfully extreme.) One boring person wanted to watch PBS, just to make sure we all fall asleep before they call Illinois. But this is an NBC household; in Chuck Todd I trust. It's MSNBC all day — I am entranced by the dulcet tones of David Shuster — and flipping to NBC when they cross over. This is because I want to hear Luke Russert's reports on What All The Hip Kids Are Saying.

8. Chicago Bears (5-3). Boy, it sure is nice to have the Sex Cannon back, isn't it? How did we ever survive without him? The only tragedy of the Chicago Bears is that they can't figure out a way to play him and Orton at the same time. Now that Orton's out a month, wouldn't it be enjoyable if, of all times, now Grossman ends playing great? Everyone would be so confused.

7. Atlanta Falcons (5-3). I love shutouts in football. Football is the only sport in which a shutout is devastating. Hockey and soccer shutouts happen all the time — I absolutely love that an MLS playoff game last week ended in a 0-0 tie — and a baseball shutout just means you ran into a hot pitcher. But an NFL shutout? Everything has to break down to be shut out in the NFL. It's nice to see. If you are starting a defense in fantasy football who shuts the other team out, you should automatically win.

6. Washington Redskins (6-3). I'm looking forward to the DC vote to come in tonight, because it's possible that Obama might win by as many as 45 percentage points. I find it amazing that any geographic area could agree that much about anything. If you polled the question "Do you think it's important to have air to breathe?" you'd have at least two percent of people who say, "No," and that's with a +/-4 percent margin of error. (I repeat: All polls, by definition, have +/-50 percent margin of error.)

5. Carolina Panthers (6-2). Palin Watch! After John McCain's quite hilarious cameo on "Saturday Night Live" over the weekend — once again, I am reminded, politics and this campaign aside, how much I legitimately like that guy — I was pleased to note that Tina Fey is accentuating something we all realize: That lady is never, ever going back to Alaska again. (Maybe she'll encourage them to secede.) Because I forgot she was still actually governor of Alaska, as we speak, I checked out her official gubernatorial Website. That job can't keep her very busy, because one of the main sections of the site is a message board allowing Alaska residents to congratulate her on the birth of Trig. It's actually kind of touching, and serves as a reminder that even though the Pentagon will surely give her fake nuclear codes if she's ever President, before all this was going on, she was an inspirational figure to a lot of people. The site has a certain small-town charm. My favorite entry:

Sarah, I am Cathy and Steve’s stepfather. I was an administrator at the Mat-Su district and new your father Chuck and mom Sally. Cathy says hello and hopes all is well with you and your family. She also wishes to congratulate you on the birth of your new son. —Gerald, retired Alaska educator residing in Montana.

The site stopped taking submissions back in June. Probably a good idea.

4. Philadelphia Eagles (5-3). I haven't had the chance in these pages yet to congratulate Daulerio and company for the Phillies' World Series win. So I do so now. It's been a couple of years, but honestly, the Cardinals winning the World Series in 2006 is one of the best things that's ever happened in my life, and it'll never go away. It rules. To this day, in about 45 percent of my phone conversations with my dad, one of us will pause for a moment and say, "Hey, the Cardinals won the World Series." And then we'll both start cheering. It won't sink in, Daulerio, for quite some time. Just keep enjoying it. Freaking Deadspin Curse.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2). So, how quickly did it take Berman to get erect when John McCain started spouting his catchphrases last night? A second? Half a second? I swear to God, had Sen. McCain pulled out a YWML or a deux deux deux, I'd switch my vote in a second. I'm an easy mark.

2. New York Giants (7-1). For the first time since I moved to New York in 2000, I wasn't able to make it out Sunday to watch the New York City Marathon. It's a shame; there's nothing quite like watching thousands of people kill themselves while you get drunk and eat bacon. It's amazing how well mimosas go with bleeding nipples.

1. Tennessee Titans (8-0). It's Election Day, people. Seriously, it's finally here. I love this country. Be safe out there tonight. And trust me on the potential for hookups. Make it happen, people. Who works on a Wednesday anyway?

(By the way, to close you out this week, I remind you that the guy playing Captain America in that clip is Matt Salinger, the son of J.D. Salinger. I just can't imagine Pops was happy about that.)

• Estelle Reiner, 94, Comedy Matriarch, Is Dead [NYT]

It reads, "Have a passion for really great products!" The exclamation point kills it for me. Add to that: He's not even in Facebook's Apple network. His wife, Laurene Powell-Jobs, and his daughter Lisa Brennan-Jobs both have Facebook profiles, and they aren't on his friends list. Sadly, 75 Apple employees, drawn to any electronic hint of their cult leader, are.

I'm left wishing Dan Lyons had been the one to pull this stunt. The original Fake Steve Jobs would have made this Facebook page so convincing I would have believed it. And gladly.

So what is Guy's new book about? To be honest, I have no idea. I didn't read it. I didn't even pretend to read it. Guy is craven enough that he doesn't really care whether I read his book or not. As he put it to me, all he wants is a famous name to put on the cover, and pretty much everyone turned him down and so he had to resort to calling me, and so, fine.

So this is it — my official endorsement. Reality Check is by far the best book ever written about the Valley. It's an important and necessary work, one that should be required reading in every business school in the country. I wish this book had been around when I was starting Apple in my garage back in 1976.

There's a really super-important lesson, yet one that so many people overlook, especially here in the Valley. Anyway, if these incredibly super-obvious things aren't already super-obvious to you, then you probably need to read a book like this and have someone like Guy Kawasaki teach you how to start a business in terms that a child could understand.

Namaste, poorly informed wannabe business people. I honor the place where your imbecilic gaze and my incredlibly wise words become one. Much love. Peace out.

• Forbes.com superstar Lacey Rose will move to Los Angeles and will take the lead on the magazine's Celeb List.
• Scott Woolley, L.A. bureau chief, is moving back to New York to run a team there.
• Betsy Corcoran, who runs the Forbes.com team in the magazine's Silicon Valley bureau, is stepping back from editing to do more writing — but some in Forbesian circles think she might be interested in ousting Quentin Hardy, her replacement as the magazine's Valley bureau chief, as head of the combined print and Web operations in the Valley. Corcoran says, "No, no, no. Wrong."

Our tipster adds: "Please don't buy this bullshit about how nice things are between print and dotcom."

The ongoing intra-Forbesian unpleasantness aside, one big question looms over the coming reorganization: Who's going to run the whole show. Churbuck thinks Bill Baldwin, the magazine's editor, is brainy but clueless. Forbes.com editor Paul Maidment, insiders say, is just a "puppet" of the publisher, Jim Spanfeller, and Maidment's contract is up soon. We have a suggestion: Why not just make Bono, the rock star turned venture capitalist at Elevation Partners, editor-in-chief of the whole shebang?

* * *

Bottom 9th

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It's after midnight, so it's time for bed, children. Thanks for clicking and typing and refreshing. But mostly refreshing. I'll see every one of you (metaphorically, until Gawker's tech guys can install reverse cameras in the website) here tomorrow.

12:01 — Pedro Feliz trips backward into the foul pop fly, which he appropriately catches. (It's always "appropriate" when some guy gets the final out. Lidge saves the day yet again, and the Philbins are now 6-0 in Deadspin Live Blogs. This is starting to get weird.

11:59 — Tim calls Lidge's slider away a "cement mixer." That gives him a delightful idea for a new mixed drink. Two parts scotch, one part rosin, and stirred using a Spirograph.

11:58 — Evan Longoria goofily lunges at his third strike. Off you go.

11:55 — Brad Lidge 2.0 starts the inning off properly with a third strike that Peña can only admire.

Commercial Break

Let's see if WebMD has the answers I need ... [types in "satan raped me"] Hmm ... that doesn't help me too much.

Top 9th

11:51 — Ah, a pop to second won't move anyone home. Lidge's margin of error remains fragile.

11:49 — Bruntlett has the stubble power of Matt Stairs, but clearly his biscuits-and-gravy intake needs work.

11:47 — Captain Planet needs you, Dan Wheeler! Eric Bruntlett has a tawdry history of littering. You know what to do.

11:45 — Miller squarely blitzkriegs Howard's at bat on the outside corner, and he gets redemption after eight years of revenge. Now Maddon will slough off his LOOGY for someone who can last more than six pitches a night.

11:42 — Ah, this is what we've been waiting for. Trever Miller against his former team. All the bad blood comes down to this. (Well, c'mon, this 9th inning is like a Dramamine smoothie. Someone needs to jazz it up.)

11:40 — Joe Maddon will instead let Balfour give up a double to Jayson Werth and walk Utley — but with the SHIFT ON! — and then pull him.

11:36 — Joe Maddon will opt to let Balfour continue owning Phillies hitting late.

Bottom 8th

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11:32 — Nuh-uh. Upton swings and leaves the hallucinatory shadow men on base.

11:28 — Iwamura's fourth hit? Pssh. It's actually a fly to right. But now Upton FINALLY bats with nobody on base, so that solo shot is just around the corner, idnit?

11:22 — Ryan Madson will be the eighth inning overfunded pork parrel "Bridge To Lidge" for tonight.

Top 8th

11:19 — Balfour was promised a free Vegemite cowbell if he got 7-8-9 in order. He was rewarded properly.

Commercial Break

Just so I have my oversaturated commercials in order, "Routan Boom" is Fox's latest hit show coming this fall. "Silverado" quality you look for in a light beer. And Frank Caliendo does a dead-on-but-not-hilarious impression of a volcano taco.

Bottom 7th

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11:14 — Hamels hangs in the game long enough to pimp slap the bottom of the order one more time.

11:10 — Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon star in, Five Years Ago We'd Be In Better Films. With Jon Voight in a throwaway role? You bet your cheap theater ticket stub he is!

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

Really, if I said nothing more than "monkey" and "segway" at this juncture, and you didn't watch this video, is there anything else I could have done?

Top 7th, Still

11:04 — Balfour, the Australian, was brought in to pitch to Victorino, the switch-hitting Hawaiian. It's because they're near each other, isn't it? If there was a Guamanian in the bullpen, they'd have used him. But Balfour K's Victorino to, again, make a baserunner weep by not scoring.

Commercial Break

11:01 — Taco Bell really wants to compete with restaurants like Ruth's Chris by saying "why have a small-looking steak that tastes great when you can have this big burrito thing, the only ingredient of which that has any nutritional content whatsoever is probably the tortilla?" But hey, they're open late!

Top 7th

10:59 — Pat Burrell walking is grounds for Howell's removal from the mound. Grant Balfour, GET YOUR ASS UP THERE.

10:55 — I don't care who you are, random swearing picked up on field microphones are great. When Utley was almost picked off on a snap throw to third, there was an errant, "Get outta here, god damnit!" I don't know the backstory, but it sure is fun to dream. I imagine it's a hardcore Tampa Bay Rays fan yelling at his girlfriend. How hardcore is he? He bought a piece of Tampa merchandise in 2007.

10:51 — Chase Utley steals second. Everyone gets free Fazoli's breadsticks.

10:49 — Joe Maddon and umpire Tim Welke kindly agree to disagree on the balk-no balk on Hamels' pickoff move to first. "I understand what you're saying" was uttered by both gentlemen. The satin gloves did not need to come off and graze the backside of either lad's cheeks. Time for crumpets. I think Greg Creed might have a few in his trousers.

10:49 — Scott Kazmir gets the Grady Little Seal Of Approval and remains in the game. [Edit: Oh, that's JP Howell. Nevermind, I forgot Tampa Bay has 43 lefthanded pitchers.]

Bottom 6th

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10:44 — Aw, Mr. Crawfish. Carl completes the disappointing inning with a groundout. Lenny is crestfallen.

10:43 — Longoria looks at strike three while the town crier of technology, the strike zone replay, shows it was inside. Well, technically, ALL of these pitches are inside, but that's not important right now.

10:42 — Never mind the error. It's wiped clean by catching him running to second and just barely throwing him out. Just barely throwing out Carlos Peña? Did Howard shot-put the ball to second?

10:40 — How many bumbles and bobbles does it take Ryan Howard to commit to allow Peña to reach first on an error?

Top 6th

10:37 — Kazmir escapes the inning with minimal damage, and will return to the dugout to repair his shields and reload his phasers. But Chad "Groundhugger" Bradford and J.P. "Josephine" Howell were warming up on the sidelines. I'm thinking Maddon should pull Kazmir. We saw how well that worked last week.

10:35 — Coste pops up and Chris Myers has the exclusive with the president of Taco Bell, Greg Creed. What's that ... an accent? Hey now, I thought Mexican food was an American thing! I'm so disillusioned.

10:33 — Maybe Kazmir's weakness is the folks with Z's in their name. Pedro Feliz is giving him fits, and Ruiz has a walk and RBI. Quick, see if Todd Zeile wants one last swing at the plate!

Commercial Break

PC's apparent response to Mac commercials: "Oh yeah? Well WE have laptops! Do you?"

Bottom 5th

3 2

10:28 — Ryan Howard battles a sea of inept hands trying to catch a ball (so THAT's where last year's Tampa team went!) and snares the foul pop to continue Upton's piss poor night at the plate. I don't think he deserves free processed food. Do you?

10:27 — Can BJ Upton find a way to get into a double play with two outs? He'll have to be creative, and if he pulls it off, we'll time-warp into the sixth inning with one out on the scoreboard.

10:25 — Iwamura's third hit is a gapper that drives in #9 Combo Meal, and it's a one-run game. Now Bartlett can FINALLY head to the bathroom.

10:22 — Aaand ... a stolen base. Taco Belltlett? Jason Burritolett? Whatever the case, the taco you will get for free will be indispensable indigestible.

10:20 — Jason Bartlett has earned Hamels' respect at the plate, and walks him for the second time tonight.

10:15 — Tim notes that Dioner Navarro, like his backstop counterpart, Carlos Ruiz, is also from Venezuela. Now, there are so many interesting angles you can take on this one, but Tim opts for the "neither were drafted, because the draft doesn't go into Latin America" route. Other viable options:

• Neither can run for US President
• Neither grew up watching "Saved By The Bell"
• Neither took the SAT
• Neither were born in Panama
• Neither voted against Hugo Chavez

10:14 — Oh, I was totally going to put that lottery code on my bingo card. I was three numbers off.

Commercial Break

A lesson in timing and technology. Ten years ago, a touchscreen computer would have been amazing. Today, marketing a personal computer with a touch monitor just looks like one can pretend they're working at a restaurant in their own home. Screw touch technology! Can it fit in my pocket and send e-mail while on a train?

Top 5th

10:09 — Burrell's little squib hit is fielded by Kazmir, but Pat's lumbering body gets in the way of the gentle throw to Peña, who can't handle it. Somewhere, Chuck Knoblauch stops everything he's doing and argues with the man closest to him about how that should have been interference.

10:09 — Two close, close pitches to Burrell. And everyone agrees. The replay: WAY OFF THE PLATE.

10:07 — I'm pretty sure I just saw a fan wearing a throwback Phils uniform banging a cowbell. Somebody brief him on what his percussive message actually translates to in Tampa.

10:05 — Ryan Howard gets the full count walk. It was not a strike. That's because there was not a swing!

10:03 — Joe: "That was a bad 3-0 swing." Tim: "That's because it was a bad 3-0 pitch." [jams pen into forehead]

Bottom 4th

3 1

9:56 — And Aybar will ... nah, just the one run for this inning.

9:54 — After two speedy outs, a conversation with Rich Dubee is interrupted by his pitcher allowing a homer to Carl Crawford. Too bad I don't think it was live, else I'd love to have had praise for his young pitcher cut short by some swearing.

Top 4th

9:50 — Jimmy Rollins, jealous of Ruiz's easy RBI, just strikes out.

9:49 — Ruiz gets the gift-wrapped RBI by grounding to shortstop and having the benefit of runners on base and less than two out. Lucky dog.

9:48 — "The Phillies have no stolen bases but it seems like they have three." No, Tim. No it doesn't. It feels like they have zero actually. Perhaps you're just that into your Strat-O-Matic season?

9:47 — Every steal attempt is offset by some kind of contact made by the batter, ruining free tacos for everyone. Maybe Burger King should sponsor every team's hit and run.

9:46 — Ol' Kazmir's all hot and bothered by Victorino on base. He can't concentrate. Stop staring at his tits, Kazmir, and focus on your catcher's crotch! Feliz reaches for a single.

9:43 — Upton can't reach Victorino's dying quail, so he just lets it bounce behind him and lets Zobrist field it.

Bottom 3rd

2 0

9:39 — BJ Upton loves him some double plays. With the pads all touched by Rays, a hard ball to Feliz turns into an inning-ending double play. Because double plays are bad for teams.

9:35 — The only logical man to steal the first base of the series is Iwamura. If we had "Tacoby Bellsbury" last year, then Taconori Iwamura is so far the only pun-on-words I can think up right now. Aki gets a single to right that doesn't score Zobrist, turning this inning into one awesome T-ball moment.

9:34 — Keeping the perfect symmetrical chi of Game 1, Jason Bartlett is walked, and both #9 hitters got free passes to first so far.

9:33 — Aw, they finally showed Jason Bartlett announcing himself. Adorable.

9:32 — Dioner Navarro can do nothing, but Ben Zobrist proves Joe Maddon a gut managing genius by singling. He lets his gall bladder pick the lineup, and sure enough it worked here.

Commercial Break

I may not be interested in ostrich burgers, but I will never let a beer delivery man give me culinary advice.

Top 3rd

9:27 — And Burrell fails at life, if life were nothing but that particular atbat. There's another runner Kazmir kept on base and left him there to starve, bringing the total to four for the night. What a bend-but-not-break pitcher! Oh, he's also down by two.

9:24 — So there's a big honkin' hole between second and third, because Longoria has to cover third. So why not just, oh, not play the shift? One of Howard's foul balls landed feet shy of an opposite field double. He ended up striking out, but god, why leave half of Florida open for Howard to mash a ball to?

9:23 — Utley advances the runner at the expense of his own batting average.

9:22 — Rust vs. rest. Square logic.

9:21 — Werth tinks an opposite field hit. Ben Zobrist hustlehearts his way to foul territory to get it, but isn't even close to throwing out Werth at second.

Commercial Break

So between Chevy Chase and Christie Brinkley, Christie Brinkley was the one who didn't have anything else to do but strip naked for a DirecTV commercial? I owe someone five bucks.

Bottom 2nd

2 0

9:16 — If you are a fan of quick innings, then the bottom of the second is for you. Crawford flew out and Willy Aybar foul tips strike three into the spacious catcher's mitt. SWITCH!

9:13 — Carl Crawford, the veteran of the team. Joe: "He played for Tampa Bay way back when they were called the Devil Rays." So, last year.

9:12 — Laudatory things about Evan Longoria. Oh, he strikes out. Nevermind.

Commercial Break

Oh, good, an MLB Network launching nextyear! Expect your cable channel not to carry it.

Top 2nd

9:09 — Hey, lookit that. Rollins' sac fly wasn't sac fly-y enough and Upton leis a beatdown on Victorino trying to score. That's a double play — what an inning killer!! — and they ruin a bases loaded chance.

9:08 — Tim McCarver, percentages, baserunners, and "thinking." I think. To dictate what he says, analyze it, and put it into English terms would require hazard pay.

9:07 — And ... THEY'RE RUNNING FOR TACOS! Oh, never mind, ball four. Congrats, Kazmir, you walked Pedro Feliz and Carlos Ruiz. There's no stopping you now!

9:04 — Buck finishes his story about the cowbell, and yes, it was SNL/Blue Öyster Cult-inspired. Of course. How many non-Gene Frenkle cowbell inspirational stories are out there?

9:04 — Feliz walks and Chris Coste pops out. It's a good thing the 1-7 batters are decent. Just don't count on them to score or anything once they reach the end of the lineup. It's like watching the Nationals.

9:01 — Finally, a diagram on the catwalks and which ones are doubles, home runs, and foul balls when struck. What Joe Buck didn't go over is what happens if someone jumps down from the catwalk in the middle of the opera.

8:59 — Joe Buck reports that Scott Kazmir has a tendency to get in trouble and get himself out of it. Just as he works Pedro Feliz into a 3-0 count. Ah, this is totally natural then! So when the score's 8-0, you know he's probably done with his early inning jitters and will throw nothing but strikeouts for the rest of the game.

8:57 — Shane Victorino bats. He was born on an island! How kooky! His broken bat hit goes back up the middle like a, um, volcanic eruption? And can't be fielded cleanly for a base hit.

Bottom 1st

2 0

8:54 — They should just have turf circles on which fielders stand whenever Ryan Howard and Carlos Peña step up to bat. He grounds out and the first World Series inning is fini.

8:53 — BJ Upton didn't want runners on base anyway. He checks his bat into a double play, but he meant to do that. He'd rather have a solo home run in the fourth. McCarver tops the moment with something about how double plays kill innings. Interesting.

8:51 — Nobody can beat Iwamura to the bag on an infield hit. NOBODY.

8:50 — Ha. Jason Bartlett, the one indispensable player on the lineup, was the only guy Fox could afford to cut out of their footage.

8:49 — KEY TO ANNOUNCING THE STARTING LINEUP FOR TAMPA: Line up behind Iwamura.

Top 1st

8:47 — Pat Burrell quickly strikes out, ending the rally Joe Buck's anecdote about cowbells. Never start something long-winded with two outs, Joe. You knew that.

8:46 — Honestly, why not just put one fielder in short right field and give everyone else a power nap in left field? Ryan Howard always grounds there. Two out.

8:44 — Utley hit right into the shift ... and over it. A home run slaps a quick 2-0 lead on the board.

8:44 — Thanks, Fox, for doing a strike zone graphic replay on a ball that bounced in the dirt. It sure was close!

8:42 — Chase Utley is getting the shifty love, which seems odd. "Maybe they thought he was Ryan Howard." Oh, sure, BECAUSE ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE. Very classy, Tim.

8:41 — Jayson Werth breaks up Kazmir's perfect game with a walk.

8:39 — And you laughed at Ben Zobrist getting the start. He catches the first out of the World Series by Jimmy Rollins.

Pregame

8:37 — Oh, thank God. Fox's Keys to the Game:

Philly: LINE UP BEHIND HAMELS. All the fielders, single file. Don't worry. Jason Barlett will still hit it to you.

Tampa POUNCE ON HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE. This was actually a canned key to the game from the Detroit Tigers, whose mascot actually has paws, who they crowned World Series champion back in March and never changed it. Plus, "STING SOMEONE BEHIND YOU TO GET HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE" didn't fit on the screen.

8:31 — Now Fox is announcing the starting lineup. Which they ... just ... did ... on the field, like, fifteen minutes ago. Will they go through the lineup again in the second inning?

"I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on Pedro Feliz, third base, batting seventh."

8:28 — Say, what happened to announcing the time of the actual first pitch? Why all this 8 p.m. shit when it doesn't happen until at least a half hour after that?

8:26 — It's before the 5th inning, but David Price is already mentioned ... enh, I'll see if they can squeeze him until after the first pitch.

8:23 — Frank Caliendo found his way out of TBS and into our homes for the World Series. This makes me wonder what horrible show Fox will try and get us to watch the next two weeks. Oh, look, The Simpsons has another Halloween episode coming out!

8:20 — I've just been handed a note from Tropicana Field. "While the Backstreet Boys are singing the Star Spangled Banner on the field, beer and popcorn service in Section 213 will be suspended until they can get back up there."

8:19 — I think the Backstreet Boys just got booed before the national anthem. How classless! They're going to sing this country's theme song and ... oh, god. Oh, GOD. OH MY GOD STOP SINGING LIKE THAT! NO NO NO YOU'RE KILLING BABY EAGLES AND SETTING FLAGS ON FIRE WITH THAT KIND OF HARMONIZATION.

8:17 — Live lineup announcements are so much fun. It's an easy way to draw out advertising dollars instead of, oh I don't know, write them down on the Internet.

8:13 — Okay, is Elizabeth Banks in EVERY movie? Zack and Miri Make A Porno. I just saw a commercial for her in Role Models. She's also Laura Bush in W. I wasn't aware it was possible for a hot woman to endure overkill but maybe she can just go for the metaphoric sweep and portray Erin Andrews in an unauthorized biopic next year.

8:09 — Oh good, the Free Taco contest is making a comeback. If anyone steals a base, everyone gets a free taco from Taco Bell, which just means for one day the nation gets their product at what it's worth.

8:07 — Jeanne Zelasko gets the ball rolling by nailing the catwalk square. Please mark it off with a tuft of fake, blonde hair, or if you don't have that, some gold-painted wiring.

8:05 — Mark Grace, that jokester! He said he picked Tampa to reach the World Series in the preseason. He also predicted the playoffs would expand to 28 teams by this year.

8:01 — Oh, good. John McCain and Barack Obama (sound only) are reading quotes about baseball alongside a video montage of baseball's role in history. They're only doing that so they can get out of picking a definitive team in this World Series; Barack Obama is cheering for both, and John McCain hates both teams because they're far away from Arizona and are young and vibrant. Politics!

Pre-Game Babble

God. I knew I'd have been inundated with Manny Ramirez vs. Boston Red Sox columns were that the World Series, but now I'm sick of the countless columns about Rays lefty specialist Trever Miller facing his old team, the Philadelphia Phillies. Aren't you sick of it too? I'd link to an example but ... but ... I just can't figure out which one to pick. Yes, that's the reason.

I can't really figure out who will win this one. The matchup is like two pieces of different jigsaw puzzles. You don't know how they're going to match up until you see them together, and even then it's hard to tell, so you just leave them out and see which one the dog eats.

Also, to all the other liveblogs going on by diligent, talented Internet writers and fans alike: I really hate competing with you guys, because you're all so smart and quick, so let's not quabble and fight for pageviews, so why doesn't everyone just close up shop and watch this one. It's really the simplest answer.

W-L Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Phillies: 5-0
Rays: 1-1

Starting Lineups

Philadelphia
1. SS Jimmy "Hustlebuck" Rollins
2. RF Jayson "Scuttlebutt" Werth
3. 2B Chase "Stillstanding" Utley
4. 1B Ryan "Pullshift" Howard
5. LF Pat "Brows" Burrell
6. CF Shane "Mainland" Victorino
7. 3B Pedro "The Rally Stopper" Feliz
8. DH Chris "All Between Matt Stairs And The Starting Lineup" Coste
9. C Carlos "Brett Myers" Ruiz

Tampa Bay
1. 2B Akinori "Steve" Iwamura
2. CF BJ "You're Thinking Of Delmon" Upton
3. 1B Carlos "Slappy" Peña
4. 3B Evan "Won't Error At All" Longoria
5. LF Carl "Music Factory" Crawford
6. DH Willy "Current Occupant" Aybar
7. C Dioner "Catcher" Navarro
8. Ben "I Don't Who I Am Either" Zobrist
9. Jason "I'll Throw Myself Out" Bartlett

Speaking of bingo, notice anything different?

Sure, the World Series warrants additional photoshoppery, but seeing that our apple pushing friends over at Gizmodo came up with this great live blog bingo idea a few weeks ago, it made me realize that, hey, maybe it's time for a new bingo look. After all, why can't us have color bingo cards?

Plies is in there, too. This will prove to be important later.

So I decided to click through to this guy's channel page, and—surprise!—all of his videos have two stars or less. But he hasn't let that get him down; video No. 2 was purporting to be a leak from Eminem's new album. A song featuring Eminem, Dr. Dre, and 50 Cent? Well, no. What I got instead was a track that succeeded in bringing together Eminem's first catchphrase, speeded-up Daft Punk, and a kid getting hit in the head with a soccer ball:

To be fair, it's much more tolerable than anything 50 could do at this point.

This guy also tried to start the Plies-roll, in which a YouTube user looking for new Dr. Dre material was treated to a song by Plies:

Unfortunately, this prankish behavior didn't take.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be like ChangeStyle, living in hope of fooling people into hearing his message through the selective deployment of freeze-frames. It's sort of like a spammer, but without the Viagra (unless that's in later videos—I didn't watch them all). Part prankster, part Plies fan, part "person with way too much time on their hands," ChangeStyle feels like he can only communicate with the YouTube community by freaking/faking them out. But why? Is it the gratification one can only get from comments like "not only does it sound horrible its out of time dickhead!" and "i cant believe this is fo real, but for some reason im laughin my ass off"? Or is dude really, really bored? Because if he is, I think he should just stick to one thing—the Pliesroll—and run with it. He could be Internet famous by, like, tomorrow if he just focused.

ChangeStyle's Channel [YouTube]

The umpire in question is Wilbur Hackett Jr. and even though every sane observer says it looked intentional when he stepped up, dropped his shoulder, and laid out the scrambling quarterback, the folks in charge (including USC coach Steve Spurrier) say it's no big whoop.

But the SEC office believes Hackett was protecting himself and plans to take no disciplinary action on the veteran official. Rogers Redding, the conference's coordinator of football officials, reviewed the tape of the play and thought it was inadvertent contact.

"Garcia changes his direction just a tad, which ties up the umpire just a tad and makes it look a lot worse than it really was," SEC spokesman Charles Bloom said.

So just a harmless "inadvertent" collision, right? Until you learn that Hackett just so happens to be a former Parade High School All-American and a three-year starter at linebacker for Kentucky in the late '60s. So unless Hackett had some sort of acid flashback to his playing days (or the patrons of a rogue BW-3 franchise called in a hit on Gracia so they could keep eating mini-corn dogs), I still say something fishy is going here. Maybe Garcia said something foul about Zinedene Zidane's sister?

• Foul or fair? Ref takes heat for hit on Garcia [Go Gamecocks]

(Disclosure: Sigh. I write for Slate, which is owned by the Washington Post Company, which owns Newsweek, which sometimes runs Slate articles, but never any of mine that I know about. Happy now? I wish Murdoch would hurry up and buy us all.)

IN 1864, back when rumor still traveled by foot, a young messenger walked into the newsrooms of New York City’s press row with an Associated Press bulletin that President Lincoln had ordered the conscription of 400,000 additional troops for the Union.

The news arrived at a precarious time for the newspapers — around 2 a.m. Even the night editors had left, forcing a skeleton crew to decide whether to rush something into the paper, or risk being scooped. Two papers took the bait on what soon was exposed as a hoax.

The news drove the price of gold up, which was the point for the people who had planted the rumor. What can we learn from this? Don't trust anything, unless it comes directly from the mouth of a PR person. [NYT]

The incident caused an uproar, but look at what it really was: one guy with a fake post on an unmediated citizen journalism site. Making any stock selling decisions based on that is approximately as risky as making the same decision based on a Craigslist post. It's an inherent gamble. Jeff Jarvis is sanguine:

Every time so-called citizen journalism muffs one, I get such calls, as if to say, look what your bratty kid is up to now. Funny, I don't get them – as a journalist – every time a reporter messes up.

I told these reporters that they were on the tail of the wrong story. This may not be about citizen journalism at all. It may be about someone trying to game Apple stock and using, nefariously, whatever tools were available. I also told them that anyone who sold their stock on the basis of a pseudonymous post on the web was a fool who deserved what they got.

He's right! And furthermore, anyone familiar with online media would have known right off the bat that there's no guarantee of the accuracy of the rumor like that. Have you looked at the internet lately?

So while the majority of internet readers took the whole thing with a grain of salt, the traders who didn't are now in an uproar. It's interesting to contrast this with the recent debunked rumor about a (nonexistent) Esquire story on Anne Hathaway in which the actress supposedly said she loves anal sex. That one got far more credulous coverage than the Jobs rumor. Why? Because it cited a print source—Esquire—which even trash-talking bloggers like us subconsciously assume is trustworthy. (Even if the actual interview didn't turn out to exist).

The lesson: rumors are rumors are rumors. The main thing the sketchiness of internet rumors reveals is the underlying sketchiness of print rumors, too. If you trade on a rumor and get burned, don't cry about it. It's all about learning.

None of the key points are radical, except for asking for a $4.4 trillion investment—90 percent of new cars electric by 2030, 45mpg average fuel efficiency, efficient electricity use to cut demand 33 percent, replacing all coal with renewable electricity. I was hoping for something more innovative and exciting, like Google Power, which would be in beta for 22 years. Cause if Google can't save the world, who can? [Google via Alley Insider]

Each article referencing a supposed "50 Cent interview" uses the same two pull quotes, which are admittedly interesting, albeit not particularly groundbreaking. In this instance, the phrasing surrounding the quotes comes from HiphopDX.com:

"I'm a big fan of Jay-Z, but outside of the States and Hip Hop circles, no one really knew who he was until he married Beyonce'," said Fif in the interview.

The G-Unit general also said that reports of Jay-Z's total estimated worth of $1 billion is inaccurate. "I don't believe he's worth that much! It's all been exaggerated. I'm comfortable. I don't want for anything so I'm not in a race."

Sure, it definitely plausible that 50 Cent would say such a thing, and the interview these quotes came from might have actually happened, but where? HipHopDX appears to be the only site actually mentioning a source, but in their case, they say the interview was from PR-Inside.com, which is problematic on two levels. One, the site features user-submitted press releases. Two, the site doesn't actually have the interview either, just the pull quotes without a source. I wouldn't be surprised if the shocking interview turns up somewhere, but wouldn't it be better to wait to jump on the story when it actually happens?

Still, if making up 50 Cent quotes is fair game these days, I would like to suggest these completely fake quotes for future use:

"I don't care for Eastern Europe. They have some nice castles over there, but the sky stays too gray for my tastes. Plus, their cities have funny names."

"Ricky Gervais is nothing without Steve Carell. The UK Office's DVD sales went through the roof after the US version premiered. He shouldn't have been running his mouth at the Emmys."

"I don't think that one Jonas Brother can really play guitar."

"Kanye West has sexual relations with teddy bears."

Feel free to use any of those (keeping in mind, of course, 50 didn't actually say any of them...yet). And if you could link back to Idolator when you do, that would be great for traffic.

50 Cent: 'No One Knew Jay-Z Until He Married Beyonce' [HipHopDX]
50 Cent Thinks Beyonce Made Jay-Z [MTV UK]

Other names who have previously faced the wrath of Facebook's name police include US political blogger Jon Swift, Japanese author Hiroko Yoda, British member of Parliament Steve Webb, Australian graphic designer Beta Yee, New Zealander Rowena Gay and countless others with names including "podcast", "beaver", "jelly", "beer" and "duck."

THE BEST

30 Rock Takes the Evening
With wins for writing, Tim Conway's guest starring role (Carrie Fisher should have won too), Alec Baldwin's and Tina Fey's performances, and Best Comedy, the under-watched NBC sitcom was well recognized for being the most delightful and hilarious show on television. Tina Fey got a nice long plug in about the very many ways in which the show can be watched (Hulu.com, iTunes, Verizon phones, actual TV sometimes) and hopefully, unlike last year, all of these wins will drive people toward it. Though, part of me doubts it because the show is just too weird and too clever for some folks. No condescension meant there, just... you know. Different strokes for different folks.

Ricky Gervais, Steve Carell, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert Bring the Funny
The five reality show host um... hosts weren't really doing their job, so it was up to these four men to make us chortle. (Though Conan O'Brien, Amy Poehler, and Fey were also amusing). The prune joke was wonderful, and the Gervais/Carell stand-off was a hoot (if a bit too drawn out). Oh, and Steve Martin's Tommy Smuthers introduction was pretty wonderful too.

Tony Shaloub and Boston Legal Won Nothing
Yay! Finally!

Bryan Cranston's Big Upset
A longtime also-ran for Malcom in the Middle, Cranston scored big last night for his work on Breaking Bad, a small half hour long AMC drama about a dying high school science teacher who decides to start making meth in order to leave his family with some money. The award was supposed to go to Hugh Laurie or Jon Hamm, and the latter seemed surprised in a genuinely kind and excited way when Cranston's name was read. Breaking Bad has been a critical success, so here's hoping that people will actually tune in now that its star has been fabulously be-awarded.

Paul Giamatti's Acceptance Speech Oops
"I'd like to thank my wife. Not my actual wife! My fake wife. Laura. Laura Linney." Shot of his actual wife manager cringing. Where was his "actual wife"?

THE WORST

5 Reality Hosts Do Not Equal One Ellen or Conan
The five hosts—Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Ryan Seacrest, and Jeff Probst (some sort of seminar lineup at the Learning Annex in Hades)—were so terrifically awful that you wanted the damn accountants to come back out and talk again. From the opening bit in which they had "nothing" planned to those awful "look! old TV show sets" bits to the Heidi Klum "this is drama" feinting thing, it was just so embarrassingly unfunny and wrong that you had to shake your head and wonder why they didn't just fill a dump truck up with money and drive it to Ellen DeGeneres' house. The whole thing was rescued only a little bit by Jimmy Kimmel's reality show competition vote off motif joke when it came time to name the winner of the Emmys' first ever reality show host award (for which all five hosts were nominated). Probst won. Meh.

"They Used Words —"
That dude who won for writing John Adams totally got cut off while trying to make a reasonable political point about old-timey politicians' knack for rhetoric that was full of substance and power. Ah well. At least they didn't cut off the hosts for making a fucking Seinfeld joke. (And, hey!, at least Laura Linney's pointed "community organizers" line got through.)

Josh Groban's TV Cabaret Hour
Josh Groban came out and wasted approximately 103 minutes of our time by singing the theme songs to many, many television shows. You can watch it here if you dare. It's really spectacularly weird and off-putting. Like Josh Groban himself!

The Wire Wins Nothing
Not even the lousy writing award which was, well, all the terrific and now-over HBO crime drama was nominated for.

The 'In Memoriam' Section Fails to Honor the Death of Entourage
I'd totally "Hi-Yo!" that one except that Jeremy Piven won yet again for doing the same yelling and swearing shtick he's been doing for four or five (who knows) seasons. Blahhh.

In An Effort to Stay Current, the Academy Gives Inexplicable Air Time to Lauren Conrad
Aside from her presenting duties, the Hills star got a whole chunk of time by herself to talk about the Emmy escort ladies dresses that she "designed." Somewhere Don Rickles made a joke about a bottle of chloroform and the backseat of a 1957 DeSoto sedan.

The Cast of Desperate Housewives
They just sincerely piss me off.

Mary Tyler Moore's Missing Sleeves
I know. It's terrible. But now I've said it. Um, dag.

So that's that. What did you like, what did you hate? Any winners you were thrilled about? Any that made you miserable (other than all of them)? Oh, and NB: They were the lowest-rated Emmys in history. Yikes! Of and if you're too busy to read all this, just click here for a really quick recap of all the awkward moments.

Lyons says he had intended to bring The Secret Diary to Newsweek, but lost heart after Apple’s World Wide Developers Conference in June, when it was apparent to all who saw him that the real Steve Jobs had lost a lot of weight.

So it wasn't because Newsweek ran afoul of Apple's top flack, Katie Cotton, in bringing Lyons on board, as the more conspiratorial rumors have suggested. Or it was, but then Lyons was introduced to Robot Steve Jobs and decided it was better to submit than resist the inevitable extinction of humanity at the hands of attractive, well-designed and verbally-abusive overlords from the Cupertino company. The reprogrammed Lyons now reports that Jobs looked better at the recent iPod Nano rollout event, and he may start blogging again.

(Photo by Mark Coggins)

Co-curated by E! Online columnist Marc Malkin and Steven Corfe, the Dollypop exhibition featured over 40 artists, all of whom answered their call for Dolly art with a certain fervor. "We were actually surprised actually how responsive people were when we just told them, 'Dolly Parton,'" said Steve. "There's a lot of closet Dolly fans out there."

Of course, an event such as this inspires people to pay homage. So, it was appropriate that we were greeted by a Dolly Door Girl.

Inside, we were seeing double and triple Dolly's.

There were even look-a-likes for other celebrities who seemed to have gotten lost. There was a Rick James look-a-like, and a Sophia Loren dead ringer that had us completely confused for five minutes.

James St. James interviewed some of them for his show on WOW TV. (I thought I was hallucinating and seeing New York club kid Richie Rich's body double, and then, realized OMG, it kind of was Richie Rich's body double!)

No detail went unnoticed. Pink champagne (what else?) was served.

Some guy with a contraption on his head was hanging out and taking in the Dolly art. [Ed. Note - That's the TMZ "Dollhouse Dude".]

These dudes just turned up. I'm supposing this is just par for the course in Hollywood.

Did I mention, there were roosters?

"We rented them!" said Marc Malkin, brightly.

Malkin and Corfin have been working on the show for about six months. But Marc insists he's not obsessed.

"I'm not obsessed!" he says. "I know some people would say I'm obsessed since I did a show. But I'm not a crazy kooky travel around the world type. I just love her."

Steve points out: "Yes, but he has butterfly tattoos!" (Butterflies=Dolly fan).

"But they have nothing to do with her! They don't!"

Suuuuuurrrrre.

Malkin bought a piece by Jason Kronenwald; you'd never know it looking at it, but the piece is made entirely with chewed up pieces of bubblegum. This is not gross and is, in fact, quite beautiful. I failed to capture a proper photograph. I am sorry, dear readers.

Dolly's iconic look serves as easy fodder for artists. Her big, open grin, bright blue eyes and blonde hair, make it easy to pull off optical illusion pieces such at this one. (Different cosmetic items comprise her face).

Her infamous visage lends itself to other icons and iconic homages. So we got Dolly as a stand-in for other icons.

Dolly as Elvis:

Warholian Dolly:

Dolly as Lisa Marie in Marrs Attacks and Dolly as Glenda the Good Witch:

Other pieces were less pop and more poignant, like this blue Dolly:

Other pieces tried to play with her own iconographic visual language, instead on transposing her to something else.