For all the guys who've asked me at Moose's, and all those too shy to email: Here's a handy rate card for freelance whores. Budget buyers beware — if you have to save up, you can't afford it. Unless she's into a trade for some fully-vested stock, here's what you can expect to pay.

• $100: Nothing. Nothing you actually want, anyway.
• $200: A blowjob from a bored Stanford girl.
• $500: An hour and a half GFE at her place.
• $1,000: Three or four hours with the same girl, but at your hotel, and time between positions for room service.
• $5,000: Dinner and ample after-dinner entertainment with a high-end escort.
• $10,000: Overnight, and possibly again the next day, with a concierge/courtesan.
• $20,000: Same as $10,000, but she brings a friend.

(Photo via Mademoiselle Carla)