Editor's note: Sex and money are our two favorite interests. Melissa Gira Grant works at the intersection of both in the Valley. In her own words, "I'm a sex worker, a mistress-for-hire, a whore." She writes candidly, clearly, and (hurrah) short. Melissa will cover a part of the Valley economy that's rarely reported on. What coverage it gets is usually awkward, encoded, and sanitized — in theory to protect the girls, but really to protect the guys. Ok, enough stalling. Blowjob instructions after the jump.

Forty bucks and a car with a front seat can get you sucked off. But you want someone ... nice. Pretty. "Classy." Innocent enough. You're a tech guy. You want a Stanford girl.

The good news: Cute, bored, slightly-short-on-cash Stanford girls are a dime a dozen. Plus $200 to $300 up front. But it's not an easy thing, the blowjob. Here's a step-by-step guide.

Search sfbay area -> sby -> services -> erotic. Keywords you're looking for: "college," "tuition," "arrangement," "daddy."
When you find a few likely prospects, email them. DON'T mention money or sex. Follow any instructions she's included, e.g. send her your phone number. She may ask you to confirm who you really are and where you work. She's not a cop — she's a contractor. You can have her call the front desk at your workplace and ask for you. She'll say she's your "trainer" or something.
Expect to trade a few mails and a phone call or two to arrange a time and place.
Get to her place, which will probably be just like the room you had in college. You might be asked to pay for a motel. Or if you're daring, go to your place. Don't forget a condom.
Once you arrive, take off your coat. Turn your phone off in front of her - respect! Place the cash, already tucked into a white envelope, on the bedside table. She'll pick it up at some point. DO NOT mention the money. Ever.
The rest, you can sort out on your own.

11:39 AM on Fri Feb 8 2008
By Melissa Gira Grant
45,861 views
18 comments

Comments

zerogee at 11:49 AM on 02/08/08
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in before persai
Fidel on the Roof at 12:18 PM on 02/08/08
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I thought this was a joke. But oh well, I'm game. Every ad ends up being a 29 year old or someone in Oakland. The "college" students aren't. I wonder how someone can find the Stanford ones. There have to be some out there. They aren't on Craigslist though.
Fidel on the Roof at 12:19 PM on 02/08/08
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When I said 29, I meant to write with kids or ghetto or something like that.
MercuryPDX at 12:33 PM on 02/08/08
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Connectedness Index: 346
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You better pray that the Jezebel's don't find this. They'd turn it into a 200+ comment post in an hour.
abmw at 12:36 PM on 02/08/08
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Man, when I post an honest ad on Craigs for a Jewish woman my own age (around 40ish-49), I get so many solicitations from pros.

Im really not interested in paying for sex. Even when married, long term relationships, etc., it becomes overshadowed by real life.

I can't get behind the 'pay 2 play' model. That;s just me.
matto at 12:57 PM on 02/08/08
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Connectedness Index: 186
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Eew. South Bay.
TechMerkin at 01:38 PM on 02/08/08
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The answer to your headline is: Buy her a yard of beer at the Old Pro and convince yourself it's just a cold sore.
Dweezil at 01:40 PM on 02/08/08
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So you're a hooker and Nick Douglas is your boyfriend? Hell of a thing, that.
adam at 01:41 PM on 02/08/08
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gee thanks, VW. Like I'm not having a hard enough time focusing on work this sunny friday afternoon. *sigh*
cv at 02:10 PM on 02/08/08
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Well, if you want pageviews, you got them now.

Excellent work, Melissa. Carry on!
swonderful at 02:15 PM on 02/08/08
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Valleywag FTW. I'm tired of valley blogs trying to tell me how to get rich. Tell me how to get laid.
hellboi at 02:28 PM on 02/08/08
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@Fidel: Pretty obvious you have no real experience at this. Give it a try.
Jordan Golson at 02:54 PM on 02/08/08
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"Keywords you're looking for: "college," "tuition," "arrangement," "daddy.""

Well here's one that hits two out of three!

"Looking for a Good Arrangement..."
shackalack at 03:26 PM on 02/08/08
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Will the armies of political correctards who are going to show up here and demand that Valleywag rewrite the headline to say "What are the community-accepted rules for engaging a South Bay area sex worker (who, it must be pointed out, may be a woman, or a man, or a transgendered transvestite OTL 6 Microsoft manager) for a consensual contract non-BBBJ," and don't forget to link to that online database of local non-profit sex harm reduction clinics' operating hours ... anyway, would you fun-killing motherfuckers please just get it over with? Because the suspense is just killing me.
tootingbec at 03:46 PM on 02/08/08
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Hey, Melissa: do your clients often show up under the influence of OxyContin? With term sheets spilling out of their briefcases?
BobDope at 05:47 PM on 02/08/08
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News you can use
Web2PointOhShit at 06:36 PM on 02/08/08
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What Tootinbec said. Which is unusual, cos I'm an NW1 guy myself.
mr_dna at 03:06 AM on 02/09/08
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These women remind me of that stretch of 17 between 85 and 280, you know, where the Fry's is ... They get a lot of traffic, but no one really cares about them.